Blog entry for:

of empathy, which may or may not describe the connection i feel with my peers in recovery, whenever i am in a meeting, is certainly a good seed for what i heard this morning. it has been a full month since i switched my source material for this exercise. i have found for the most part, it is a good thing for me to dive into a different path than i have been using for years on end, and even though i did not find the previous source in any less than relevant after combing through it time and again, this new source is well worth another month of being checked out. i will continue with this material, at least for another month, before deciding if i should go back or <GASP> read both before i sit. i have been in recovery long enough that i need not make everything a binary decision.
enough of that and on to what i am hearing right now as i pound this out. one thing for certain is that when i was getting clean and when i was merely abstinent, the energy i felt in the rooms, scared the living shit out of me. oh i obfuscated and denied it by trying to be way too “different” than they were and justified that behavior by saying that i felt “judged.” i was not the first addict seeking recovery to dive into that sort of behavior and based on my experience since, i was certainly not the last. in my head, when i hear someone say they do not like going to meetings because they feel “judged,” i flash back to my early days and hope that they too, are just fronting something because they FEAR the unknown of living a life in active recovery.
looking at my gradual change in attitude towards my Mom, i realize that i am being worked by a FIRST STEP, over this issue. i am powerless about how she lives her life and if i will not becomes i cannot for her, so be it. i am also powerless about the feelings that arise every single time i do something for her, that she just might be able to do. where my personal power resides is what i do with those feelings and my reactions to them. up until a few days ago it was sullen silence, now i am ready to respond succinctly and completely to her attempts to draw me into conversation. i am nowhere close to actually talking about my feelings with her.,as the last time i did, it was all denial and excuses, including one of my old stand-bys: “well i must have been drunk at that time.” as this weekend progresses and i spend some time with my peeps in recovery, i am more than certain that i will be better able to handle the next task she “cannot” accomplish because she is too afraid to try. it will be an interesting week ahead, for sure, but living in the what is, means i do not have to concern myself with that, right here and right now, just for today.

∞ DT ∞