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by examining the effects of addiction on my relationships, i begin to find recovery in this aspect of my life as well. honestly, this was one aspect of my life, that i NEVER believed could be repaired. i seemed to have missed the whole sequence of classes about relationships when i was growing up and there never seemed to be make-up sessions scheduled, so i could catch-up with the other 85 percent.
loving relationships were the worst. what i thought is that IF you loved me, you would give me anything i asked for, without conditions, expectations or questions, PERIOD. it also meant that i would give you the bare minimum i could to keep you satisfies and in my life, just try and not get too close, or i would violently, metaphorically speaking, push you away. the irony here, is that is often exactly what i got. there are some sick people in the world, who not only played their role, in these relationships, but actually seemed to thrive as a result. it just goes to shows that, until i was ready to change, the addict within, could always get what he wanted or thought he needed. all my other relationships, were just variants on this theme, with the conditions being that much less stringent. no wonder i felt so lost and lonely when i finally started to wake-up from my quarter century coma.
the catch here, and there is always a catch isn't there, is that as i came to and started looking at my life, it was shameful and embarrassing that i was so clueless. how does a person live through forty and a half years and stay so ignorant about interpersonal relationships? well it is a pattern i have seen over and over again, in other members as they come to and those who have walked the path before me. what the process of working the steps and learning to apply recovery into daily living has given me is the opportunity to learn how to do this whole relationship gig better and better. i am far from perfect in this matter. in fact, self-interest at times makes me oblivious to what is is going on around me. self-entitlement creates a whole set of expectations that no one can ever achieve, and selfishness creates the NEED to want MORE and GIVE LESS. the nice part is that i do have a remedy for these times, and it is found in the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living. when i finally awake form the spiritual nap that comprises these episodes, i can see that what you have all been telling me all along, BE PRESENT and PAY ATTENTION to those who are around you, for only there will you get THE answer.
where i am at today? here i my office at home, preparing to wrap this up and hit the streets for a run. spiritually, i get it, IF I WANT to keep getting what i have been getting, THAN i have to keep doing what i have been doing, especially the distasteful things that i am currently doing my best to dismiss, diminish and generally ignore away. it sis after all, a path that is worth traveling today!

∞ DT ∞