Blog entry for:

found other interests, friends, and loved ones.
one of the tangents that came down the pike this morning for me, was how hard some of my peers work to foster any kind of romantic relationship and worst of all what they are willing to settle for, in seeming desperation. for me, i have trouble knowing the difference between “No,” “Not Yet,” and “If You Insist,” when it comes to getting what i want, and that seems to be a common condition for my peers as well. one of the things i most wanted was a loving, equal, long-term relationship. after some experiences with the “If You Insist” versions of getting what i wanted, i finally, let go, did the fVcking work and stop whining about how i could not attract or hook-up with someone to begin that relationship. what i got, once i finally did what i need to do, was the relationship i have today, with a woman, who is my equal and my partner in life, and for whom i would do anything i could. someone i could give myself over to, and know that she will always give me back. someone… well you get the drift here. when i stopped trying there she was, and i have seen it happen time and agin to my peers in recovery, the less they apply their self-will to a romantic situation, the greater their rewards.
however, my seed was not about what i have, but what i wanted way back when. yes i was pissed off, when someone moved on before i could find my next hostage. what that set-up was a series of disposable, co-dependent relationships, with women more needy than myself. when i was in control all was well, but in those few instances where a lover left me first, i was devastated. so i learned what to look for, and certainly what to avoid. that behavior led to a six year delay in getting the best fVcking sponsor in the world for me, as i knew i could never put anything past him, when i first met him at six months clean.
friendships, well, what i called friendships, were as one sided and as temporary as my romantic relationships. i attached myself to you, sucked you dry and moved on before you figured out what was going on. that way i could maintain my dependence, just by continually switching hosts. i walked through life taking hostages and victims and when the Stockholm Syndrome started to fade, i moved on.
all of that, while quite evident today, was so steeped in denial, rationalizations and justifications that after a bit of time in early recovery, namely exactly 12 months, i believed that i was ENTITLED, to healthy, strong and equal relationships of all sorts, and yet when the opportunity presented itself via being on the receiving side of a 13th step, i balked and decided that i was not ready. yes, she was far too strong, for this fragile addict, at that point in his recovery, and yet i ended-up with someone much stronger in the long run. had i settled for good enough, way back when, who knows where i would be today. things have a way of working out, when i get out of the way and allow them to.
as interesting and fruitful as this topic may be, it is time to ease on down the road to earn my daily keep. i am grateful today, that i let go of what i deserved and was given exactly who i needed, regardless of how empty it felt in between.

∞ DT ∞