Blog entry for:

from the effects of addiction upon my relationships, is a HUGE part of my living program today. it is ironic that some of the relationships that have been a part of my life, for the longest period of time, are the most unhealthy ones. even more ironic is how the tables have turned and someone who once was my chief-enabler is now the person i am struggling with to come to terms with how they can be independent and whole, after enabling their slide into the morass of physical and emotional issues they now face. the fact that what i am willing to give may not match their expectations is an issue i will have to deal with as the days pass. i know what i am willing to give and will not be forced to cross the threshold into meeting their unrealistic expectations of me. these days, i have too much respect for who i am becoming to live in those familiar and toxic ways, again.
i need to tread lightly here as i have a tendency to take too much credit for things that are really out of my power to control. it is true that i enabled all sorts of unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. it is true that i gave up pushing when i grew weary of the effort. it is also true, HOWEVER, that the ultimate choice was not up to me and in reality they are solely responsible for what has come to be their fate. for me top own any more of that plays into the notion that somehow i could have or should have done something more, but just as i am learning through the suicide of my friend, peer and sponsee Brian, is that no matter how much effort i put into assisting someone, i am still powerless over their personal decisions and behaviors. i can suggest, support and be there, BUT i cannot change what they decide to do. whether they choose to die at the end of a bed-sheet or in a recliner, it is truly their choice and not mine.
just for today i am okay with what my relationships look like. it may be true that in the days ahead, there will need to be a bit of change as i adjust to the new realities of a commute to Denver and the needs of my aging Mom. i know that i will am no longer okay playing a martyr being sacrificed on the altar of filial love. i also know that i am going to need on accepting what is beyond my control and allowing others to step into the hole my new job has created. my life is worth living these days and living it for someone else, no longer feels as if it is the next correct action to take. i do have a few things i need to take care of today, for myself, for my employer and for my Mom, so i think it is time to get out and get some miles under my feet, so i can be present for all that happens today.

∞ DT ∞