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it is true that when i was in my active addiction the only relationships i had centered on what i could get from a person, or institution. the tools i used to achieve my goals were dishonesty, manipulation, intimidation, anger and verbal abuse. no one ever knew anything about me that i did not craft in such a manner as to present myself in the best possible of life. i kept all the different facets of my life separate and went to great lengths to ensure they very rarely intersected. i was unavailable for anyone else and kept the world at the greatest distance from the real me that i could.
today i do thing a bit different and the reading this morning was probably the driving force behind the nature of the last set of steps i worked. i allow those with whom i have a relationship to see me in all my glory -- warts and all! i am more giving and less selfish with my time. i am honest about what i am feeling and have put aside most of my personal agenda. sounds like i am sort of saint, n'est-ce pas? well that is the ideal, i do my best to live up to that every day but alas, i too suffer from the frailties of the human condition not to say anything about the disease of addiction and have been known to be less than forthcoming with those around me -- but i do not stop trying to live up to that ideal even though i know it is impossible. each day i am a bit better at it and if i continue to do what i have done, i will get better still. and that is the HOPE that recovery brings to me each day!
∞ DT ∞