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i felt angry, disappointed, and hurt when they found other interests, friends, and loved ones. in my particular brand of insanity, i was emotionally detached from everyone in my life, that was by design. so as time went one. i grew less dependent on those around me for emotional support and developed a greater dependance for material support. as good as i was at feigning attachment, emotionally anyway, i was always found out and almost always they left me. the single exception to that was my family, and why they put up with my crap, is still beyond me to this day. perhaps it was just because i kept them at arm's length. so they did not need to deal with it being in their faces all the time.
learning to have healthy relationships in recovery seems to be an ongoing theme for me. i get better all the time i am working an active program, and yet, i keep coming back to this. the reasons for my return to this theme are more than likely as numerous as the cliché goes, as the stars in the skies. what i think it really comes down is that recovery is restoring me to humanity. i am quite certain that companionship is a basic human need. i am quite certain that in my active addiction and early recovery, i found the ways and means to DENY that need. as active recovery became a way of life, and the tools i had for dismissing my basic human desires diminished, the more aware i became of what was really lacking in my life. i had to establish the start of a healthy relationship with myself, long before i could ever dream of having any sort of healthy relationship with anyone else. the reading was not however, about that process, and although it is an interesting topic, it is one that i will defer for another day.
so as unattached as i was from the real world, i was clueless about why people left me, and i resolved to leave them, first, before they could hurt me. i was so wrapped up in denial, i saw absolutely nothing wrong with this behavior and it persisted until i was clean for some time. learning a new paradigm for my relationships, in all aspects of my life, is something that has taken a great deal of time, and is still a work in process. there would be no HOPE if i were to say that i have not progressed at all towards my goal of having nothing but healthy relationships. but i would be disingenuous if i said that i was already there. the truth is that it is a work in progress and i am grateful for having that opportunity to grow as part of my life today. i CAN change, i WILL change, IF i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to work in my life.
relationships? well as good as they are today, they can always get better. my job is to allow that to happen. so it is time to hit the streets and work off some of the excess energy i seem to have this morning, it is after all a great day to take of myself so that i can have healthier relationships.

∞ DT ∞