Blog entry for:

**i like the way it makes me feel, and when i like that feeling, i chase it even harder!** a very familiar refrain and one that does not require any real commentary. the reason i used that quote, was to dive into the whole LOVE as DESIRE topic, and how addiction takes my human desire and warps into a overarching and totally controlling force, that drive me to insanity. love, in and of itself is a good thing, it is my less than healthy reactions to that feeling that makes up the bulk of this post and causes something that is desirable as it it is to consume my whole self.
everybody wants something, is a generalization that is more than likely mostly true. there are more than a few humans who have detached from desire, but i am not one of those, nor do i ever believe i will become a saint in that respect. when i was using, i was far tool selfish to allow myself to “fall in love.” i did once and that ended in divorce and finally an annulment. it was so much easier to be a “lone wolf,” and certainly allowed me to focus on my other overwhelming DESIRE of the day, getting high. love was for suckers, and having been there once and burned by it, i decided it was better to keep my distance. i was never the type that needed a date on my arm to prove to others that i was worth something. the men i sponsor, who are, seem to have practiced every rationalization and justification for why they do need a date on their arm and are less than happy when i suggest that what they are feeling is not love, but rather boosted self-esteem. they do not lose them,selves in love, they willing give everything over to chase that feeling and it hardly any wonder that STEP SIX is where they end up getting stuck.
my self-esteem used to based on the exact opposite notion, i was okay if i could get through life without needing anyone else. if i was independent, aloof and arrogant, i was as good as everyone else, and could feel much better about myself. chasing that feeling, finally brought me to accept that i am an addict and that i need to do something to have my insanity removed. the total surrender that first step engendered in my, all those days ago, still is active in my life today, as i ponder what desire does to me and certainly what it does for me, as well.
moving into the here and now, i do have a phone interview this afternoon. it is not that i am dissatisfied with my current job, it is just that…
yes desire and the grass must be greener over there has kicked in. recognizing that i am getting happy feet and they may be shuffling me off on a path that will limit my choices, is something i am well aware of, however the siren's call is luring me to the rocks, and i am thankful that just for today,. i am lashed to the post of recovery. i have already made a commitment to take that call, and my plan is to listen and see what happens. just for today, i can be more than the sum of all i desire and react to my desire to have more, with the understanding that today, if i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me what i need, i will not be consumed by my own desire.

∞ DT ∞