Blog entry for:

make everything alright, so i sought people to fix me.
so this is not go9ing to be about the victims and the hostages i took during the days of my active addiction. nor is it going to be about how i became celibate, waiting for that person to come into my life that i COULD form a committed and equal relationship for the long run. both of those are facts of my life and i have written about them before.
today, what i “heard” was a bit of a dive into my attitudes and behaviors yesterday. after a hard day working from home, a relaxing smoke in the neighborhood cigar lounge, i found myself sitting at the meeting dissing just about everyone who shared. the good news, was that i chose not to share it out loud. the bad? well the bad news is that fore the most part all i heard was BLAH BLAH THIS, I AM SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER NOW, BLAH BLAH THAT.
i know there was some good stuff and some pure unadulterated crap, as there is at every meeting, but last night i could not separate the wheat from the chaff to use a not so tired metaphor, so i threw the baby out with the bath water, to finish it up.
when i get into that sort of state and it happens more often than i choose to admit, i have to look at what is going on with me. sliding back to Sunday, i realize that there is always a residue from sponsee step work, especially when it their first time, and it is their FIRST STEP. this was a very difficult one for me to guide them through, and the echoes of my first REAL first step echo down through the all the days between. and guess what! that set of steps was titularly about romantic relationships and ended up being about my relationship with myself. what i have been feeling over the past few days, and was expressed in my feelings last night, was some of the old garbage that those subsequent journeys through the TWELVE STEPS has revealed and allowed me to deal with, just for today.
in those days, the local fellowship was different and i did not have the luxury of pulling back from the “freak show.” today, the local fellowship is vibrant, dynamic and growing, and so i feel less “needed” so i get the feeling that “i can just take all my marbles and go home!” after all, there is someone else to step in and fill the space i leave behind. yes, the same feeling of inadequacy and lack of esteem, have invaded my current reality and the part of me i call addiction is running away with that, telling me stories about: “how much i will not be missed and after all it is time to move one, how long have i had this group of people in my life anyhow.”
where do i go from here? well to STEP TWO of course! all of that thinking is symptomatic of my insanity and when i allow myself to dwell there, i destroy any HOPE that i may find. i can be cynical, but i need not be abusively so. i can sit through a meeting and rip everyone to shreds, but i do not have to make them feel my pain. i can isolate and alienate and suffer the consequences, or i can ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to guide me back towards sanity and the life i have really come to appreciate. so today, right here and right now, i think a bit of HOPE, that this set of little sh!tty feelings will pass, and i will come to see that nothing is fVcked.

∞ DT ∞