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fact of life is the world has little empathy for using addicts, they see us as being morally deficient or weak, and seem to be of the opinion that we can just stop using at any time, or learn how to moderate our using so our lives are not quite so unmanageable. as someone who has been there and done that, been a using addict that is, i remember the social stigma attached to what i was doing and how i was doing it. i took on that shame and buried it as deeply as possible so i could feel superior to those who did not use, and for that strategy worked, right up until the end. so when circumstances forced me into being abstinent until my consequences were fulfilled, i was looking for a place to hang for the minute it would take to kill my number and ended up in the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living, ever since i came to recovery.
i have shared in the past that when i was merely abstinent i was cross-fellowshipping, but in that other one, i never felt safe or appreciated. i felt as if the members merely tolerated me. when it came to time “cut bait,” i came to the fellowship where i felt something more, whether that was empathy, acceptance or something else, i still to this day, do not know. all i know is that when i made the choice, it fit and continues to fit a few moons down the path of recovery.
when i see an addict who is coming to a point in their life when they want something else and who has the courage to walk into a meeting, i remember my early days and the fear and shame i felt the first time i said i was an addict and actually meant it, instead of trying to persuade some member of the justice system to give me a break. i have learned empathy in the rooms and i can carry it out to the rest of the world, bit by bit. which of course brings me to the using addict in my life that has caused me so much pain and frustration. i forget what it is like to be on the other side of this equation and wishing that someone would feel the weight i was carrying. as the days of me having to interact with her draw to an end, i need to remind myself i was not always the person i am today. i was manipulative, slimy, lying son of gun who would steal a friend's last dollar, just so i could get a fix. i always had a game or three in progress and managed to keep all my balls in the air, even when i was feeling overwhelmed and tired of the grind of getting and using and find the ways and means. i am grateful today i am free from that part of my life and i have the ways and means to get more recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞