ฮด if i still expect people to fix me ฮด
Posted: Sun, Apr 1, 2007 09:16:30 AM
perhaps it is time to extend my recovery program to my relationships.
well one thing i know for certain, is that when i came to recovery relationships were all about fixing. either they were trying to fix me, or i was trying to fix them. in fact this little fixing tango, became quite an exciting dance, and one that i wanted to hang on to for dear life. after all, i had made a commitment to myself, not to use drugs no matter what, i had not yet arrived in a place where shopping was a useful outlet for changing the way i felt, so what i saw as my only escape route from dealing with life on life’s terms was this whole fix me, fix you dance.
it worked for a bit when i was in early recovery, in fact it worked for the first eighteen months of my recovery, the rooms contained plenty of material for me to fix up and there were plenty of candidates that wanted to fix me. so the dance was on, and i thought i found a wonderful new way to live.
then about eighteen months into my recovery after two or three months of self-sponsoring and putting myself into situations that one might call dangerous, i got a new sponsor and we decided the time had come to work a second set of steps focusing on my relationships. what i wanted was to look at romantic relationships, what he expected i still do not know to this day. what i got however was quite a slap in the face as i began to look at how he disease of addiction was manifest in all my relationships. if i honestly wanted to get better, i would have to examine the fix-me/fix-you dance with which i was an active participant and decide whether or not this really needed to be part of my life.
yes my life was unmanageable and i was quite powerless over this symptom of my disease, but over time, i became ready to release my grip on this particular behavior and learn hoe to live life in a whole new manner. have i been cured of my co-dependency, well i would love to say i have, but the reality is that it still is there, albeit much reduced, but i love to fall back on the cliché this is a process and not an event. as i continue down this path, i am sure and have the FAITH that i too will be able to lose my desire to use realtionships and find a new way to live.
well one thing i know for certain, is that when i came to recovery relationships were all about fixing. either they were trying to fix me, or i was trying to fix them. in fact this little fixing tango, became quite an exciting dance, and one that i wanted to hang on to for dear life. after all, i had made a commitment to myself, not to use drugs no matter what, i had not yet arrived in a place where shopping was a useful outlet for changing the way i felt, so what i saw as my only escape route from dealing with life on life’s terms was this whole fix me, fix you dance.
it worked for a bit when i was in early recovery, in fact it worked for the first eighteen months of my recovery, the rooms contained plenty of material for me to fix up and there were plenty of candidates that wanted to fix me. so the dance was on, and i thought i found a wonderful new way to live.
then about eighteen months into my recovery after two or three months of self-sponsoring and putting myself into situations that one might call dangerous, i got a new sponsor and we decided the time had come to work a second set of steps focusing on my relationships. what i wanted was to look at romantic relationships, what he expected i still do not know to this day. what i got however was quite a slap in the face as i began to look at how he disease of addiction was manifest in all my relationships. if i honestly wanted to get better, i would have to examine the fix-me/fix-you dance with which i was an active participant and decide whether or not this really needed to be part of my life.
yes my life was unmanageable and i was quite powerless over this symptom of my disease, but over time, i became ready to release my grip on this particular behavior and learn hoe to live life in a whole new manner. have i been cured of my co-dependency, well i would love to say i have, but the reality is that it still is there, albeit much reduced, but i love to fall back on the cliché this is a process and not an event. as i continue down this path, i am sure and have the FAITH that i too will be able to lose my desire to use realtionships and find a new way to live.
∞ DT ∞