๐ fixing me ๐
Posted: Thu, Apr 1, 2021 07:05:10 AM
the explosion of the lie that i was broken has set off quite a chain reaction of feelings and desires. add to that whole mess, the fact my Dad is going to die at his home and now requires someone to be there twenty-four/seven, does not make it any easier. mix in having to deal with all the details, because the person i had the biggest resentment towards will now be the person i spend the next few days with, for hours on end, and i see a HUGE recipe for disaster. these next few weeks are going to be tough ones on me and my family and having to deal with my witch's brew of emotions, desires and redefining who i am, will not make things any easier.
i really do not like being so dark and gloomy any more, and yet here i find myself skipping down that path. i know that it was my Dad's illness that gave me the kick in a my ass to get that FOURTH STEP done. i also know that what was revealed, resentments and all, was poison that needed to be released from my system. knowing that and feeling the repercussions for that does not make things any easier today. i also know that the damage caused to myself, by believing the lies i told myself, is not the fault of anyone else, there really are no victims here, i volunteered for all those years of misery, denial and pain. it is also true that lie was set-up by something that was done to me, and i CHOSE to be a victim of that event, for just long enough to get to this point in my life. this morning, i will do the needful, get out and work off some stress and take a minute to consider who is important: myself and my Dad. more will certainly be revealed and i am open to see what i need to see, JUST FOR TODAY.
i really do not like being so dark and gloomy any more, and yet here i find myself skipping down that path. i know that it was my Dad's illness that gave me the kick in a my ass to get that FOURTH STEP done. i also know that what was revealed, resentments and all, was poison that needed to be released from my system. knowing that and feeling the repercussions for that does not make things any easier today. i also know that the damage caused to myself, by believing the lies i told myself, is not the fault of anyone else, there really are no victims here, i volunteered for all those years of misery, denial and pain. it is also true that lie was set-up by something that was done to me, and i CHOSE to be a victim of that event, for just long enough to get to this point in my life. this morning, i will do the needful, get out and work off some stress and take a minute to consider who is important: myself and my Dad. more will certainly be revealed and i am open to see what i need to see, JUST FOR TODAY.
∞ DT ∞