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in the next breath, i tell others about the profound changes recovery has made in my life.
i know, i know, that sounds like i am contradicting myself, or even worse playing the whole ego trip by loading on the false humility. while that may be true, if i really dig down into myself, chances are that the statements i used for my seed this morning are both true and are NOT mutually EXCLUSIVE.
when i arrived at the jumping off point into this whole recovery gig, i had already lived 40 years and 26 years of that in active addiction. back then i was CERTAIN that i KNEW everything i NEEDED to live my life and get to my grave intact. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING more i need to learn except trivial facts and figures so i could be even better at Trivia Pursuit. my knowledge base was complete and so was i. as i proof read that last statement, i know that it is the truth, but i am struck about how fVcking absurd it really is. it is however the reality of who i was, and certainly can be the harbinger of who i could once again become, based on the choices i make today in my life. back to the task at hand. one of the most profound changes that recovery has made in, my life is the discovery of how much i do not know about living life in my skin and being part of the real world, here and now. for me, the statement in my title is not false humility, but rather a statement of how much i have grown. as i grow up in recovery, i see that yes i get clues about who i am, and i get those clues on a daily even momentary basis. believing that i know everything there is to know about me, i ignore or worse drown those clues out in the din of background noise, and miss those opportunities to get to know something else about me. so the fact that everyday i realize i know less about what is going on than i did yesterday is a good thing. it allows me to be present for what is going on inside and outside of me. knowing that, and yes i see the irony in that last phrase, i can see the path to knowing even more, which in the long run, means more learning opportunities and more things that i have yet to know. so this feedback loop only gets tighter and tighter, HOWEVER, it is based upon the assumption that i make and act upon a few decisions today. the first being that i want to stay clean. the second that i am powerless to do so, ON MY OWN WILL alone, so i have to give that will and of course my life into the care of the POWER that can keep me clean. to implement those decisions i walk forward doing my bets to be present and live a life according to the spiritual principles i have been given, in the here and now. so before it gets too hot this morning, i will sign-off and go hit the asphalt, keeping this in mind, that as long as i remain teachable and open-minded. i can get everything out of life and recovery that i need to get today.

∞ DT ∞