Blog entry for:

get comfortable with myself, no external factors can keep me comfortable for very long. my source material speaks of having the courage to move on, when something is no longer working for me. i have a tendency, nay, i have a character defect of holding on to stuff for far longer than is healthy for me. i know that it a leftover from my decades of flying under the radar and hiding who i really was in plain sight, even though i made sure no one ever saw me. it is difficult to throw that old garbage away, as to do so creates a whole lot of anxiety, bordering on abject FEAR. no matter how much FAITH i profess to have, the habits of over fifty-five or sixty years are hard to set aside, it is weird that some of those who are in my life, welcome my transformation to being more open and vulnerable and some, well they seem to prefer the hidden and closeted version, of the man i once was.
as i get more comfortable about who i am and less comfortable being who i am not and never was, i see that perhaps it is time to make a few changes in my life. i am starting to finally understand what i have been missing for all this time. one of those that i am finding more than satisfactory is my diminishing need to overthink every less that stellar interaction for hours after it happened, obsessing about what i “should” said or done. i am quite tired of dwelling in that house of pain and misery. do not get me wrong, i still do that, but it passes in a few minutes and i never consider it again. it is so nice to let go of that simple sh!t, why is so hard then to let go of the man i have called my sponsor for twenty years? well that is a bridge i may have to cross soon, but not today and probably not in the next ten days or so. to much other stuff is going down and i do not need to add yet another potion into this cauldron of chaos that seems to be my life these days.
i can and will be present for what goes on in my life today, even if it means deciding to let go of something that i hold near and dear. i know that there are all sorts of stuff that i can use to distract me from going down the rabbit-holes about my health and what may come out of my surgery. well i know that a lymph node or two will be going, as well as the melanoma on my head. what comes next is still in that black box, that i am powerless to open for another ten or eleven days. in the mean time i will keep working out, enjoying cigars and coffee, and pounding out the hits for my employer. after all, in the here and now life goes on and i am only a stage 1B.

∞ DT ∞