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what went on in my mind, one just might be amazed at how insane i still am. okay, the truth here. this is not a statement of **false humility** in an attempt to diminish my progress to date. without context however, it certainly reads like one. if one were to compare my current level of sanity to how the inside of my head looked way back when, one would find me amazingly well-balanced and sane. while that is true, just because i am less crazy, does not mean i am cured or have found a “magic bullet” to combat that part of me i call addiction. the nature of who i am has not changed, how it has manifest has become a whole lot quieter and as a result, much more insidious. as i stay clean and live a program of active recovery, the stories i tell myself become more and more plausible and far easier for me to believe. i want to trust, but i still find myself lacking the ability to be trusted in certain situations. i want to be open and a part of life in general, and yet i still find myself, isolating and hiding aspects of myself from my peers and the world in general. i want to be confident in who i am and not care about i present myself to my friends, family members, peers in recovery and the world in general, and yet, i still find myself doubting that i am “good enough,” as i am. it seems that all the self-doubts and traits that i was riddled with when i walked in the rooms have yet to be removed. the insanity of my expectations to be “better” by now, feeds the story that i am not “recovering.” the fact is, when i let go of the “story” i wrote when i was fifteen years old and look at who i am today, i can see what once may have been true, is no longer true. it is that story that limits my ability to see past who i once was and celebrate who i have become.
i know it is said that somehow i became “brand new” when i first got clean, in fact i celebrate that day every single year as a “birth day” of sorts. the fact is, i am still the same person, more mature for sure and less likely to kill myself or someone else. what has been added by the recovery process has not made me new, but has transformed me from who i once was. this ugly duckling may not yet be a swan, but he is certainly on his way to becoming one, even if there are moments when he lacks balance, serenity, sanity and self-respect in his life. just for today, that is not a bad place to be in.

∞ DT ∞