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...by underplaying the change that recovery has brought to my life. finally something way off the theme i have chosen to be reading into all of the these morning exercises in clearing of the my head. of course, it would not be much of a stretch to hammer what i heard this morning into that continuous set of reminders of where i am and what i am going through.
today, however, i choose to allow myself to go in a bit different direction. the part of the reading i lifted to seed this writing speaks to me of the ‘false humility’ that is akin to excess pride. i have certainly been guilty of this, and for lots of reasons. the first and foremost. is that is how i heard others share when i first got clean, and even to this day. the act of sharing in this manner, for me, is an emulation of those i respect, or at least that is what i told myself, even when i felt it was wrong. what this step cycle has stripped away from me is the ability to hide in those old lies. what sharing in this manner really is, is an attempt to bolster my self-esteem, by acting in a manner that i have seen others acting in, and therefore showing how fVcking spiritual i really am, when my insides are screaming how wrong this behavior is.
oh yes, this behavior comes from conceit, and is no less damaging than taking the credit for the changes in my life, as well as the miracles. so what exactly can i do, to combat this? well i am incapable of removing the cure of this behavior, that i a job for the POWER that keeps me clean to perform. i have FAITH, that POWER will accomplish that task, someday, and take comfort in indenturing what i cannot change. WHAT I CAN CHANGE, is how i act when that particular defect of character is active. when i feel the need to minimize the change in my life, or take credit for the changes and miracles that are the result of working the program, i can look to see what i am really feeling. what it most likely will be is FEAR. FEAR that somehow if i do not participate in this behavior, i will not be loved, and if i am not loved i will shuffle off this mortal coil unknown, unloved and unappreciated. sounds a bit extreme n’est-ce pas? well i am after all, an addict, and while i do not have to participate in active addiction, i am still an addict. handy as an excuse, but in reality, it is reality, and could excuse all sorts of abhorrent and bizarre behaviors. i do recover and the evidence of that statement is present in my life today, from the outside, my life looks so middle-class normal that it is almost sickening. i have the house, the loving relationship, the dream career, the dream job and the love and respect of friends and family. all of those gifts, however, did not spring from nothing, they are gifts that i have received as a result of working the twelve steps and living those same steps to the best of my ability. they did not come just because i decided to get clean and sat my ass down in meeting after meeting for years on end, they are the the direct result of writing steps and working with a sponsor, as well as staying abstinent every single day, no matter what. my part was the willingness to do what others had done, the rest is a natural result of the changes that are manifest in my life, as i recover. so yes, i cam still nuts, but not nearly as nuts as yesterday, and the hope is that i will be less nuts tomorrow. yes, the longer i stay clean the less i am certain of, except that if i use, all of those gifts i have come to love and cherish may be lost again to the ravages of active addiction. most importantly, that whatever my concept of a HIGHER POWER happens to be at this moment, i will be given what i NEED to recover today. i have FAITH that this program works, my life is direct evidence of that statement.
so it is off to tour the neighborhood and get started with my day.

∞ DT ∞