Blog entry for:

of recovery. quite a statement for one, such as myself who does not go around seeking **signs** of divine intervention, in his life. i do see that one such as myself, may not be the recipient of a **literal** miracle, but using the term in a very loose figurative sense, does certainly fit. i got **sentenced** to recovery as a consequence of the life i was living. i stayed in recovery long enough to see that the benefits of staying clean were worth it. i remain in recovery today, because i have been given a life that is so much better than any i could ever hope for, way back when. being a rational sort of person, the fact that i could come around to a point of view that included a spiritual path, may just be seen as a miracle, as i was not open-minded, willing or even honest when i arrived.
what i heard on this morning, was a theme i started working on yesterday, using false humility as the means to improve my image in the eyes of those around me. being a person who did not esteem himself and denied that he really had any worth, the biggest “miracle” of my recovery journey was coming to a point, where i can see that i do have value and settling for being just “good enough” is no longer an acceptable state of being for me. over the course of my life, all i ever wanted was to “fit in.” the more that desire was expressed internally, the more i acted as-if it was not real and that i was quite comfortable being on the “outside.” the pandemic and the consequences of being socially distanced has driven home the theme that as socially retarded as i may still be, i crave interaction with my peers, family members, co-workers and loved ones. the biggest lie i told myself, way back when, was that i was okay being isolated and alone. that lie was exploded in March 2020, when i was forced to be isolated and have a “bubble” that limited the number of people in my life. i may have little desire to return to the office, but i really do want to go back to physical meetings, some day soon.
as i prepare to ascend La Plata Peak, another fourteener today, i can see that the desire to see the world from the very top of Colorado, is a symptom of wanting to be more. most of the world will never get to where i will get to and have little desire to do the work to get there. that is a metaphor for my recovery journey, with the only exception being, that i do not think that there is a summit to mount. though the going may get steep and rocky, there are enough “signs” that i am on the correct path. i have the desire to stay clean today. i have the desire to be further up the path than i was yesterday. most of all i have the desire to see where i can go, if i keep doing this gig, just for today. if one looks at it through that lens, i guess you can certainly call that a miracle, in any sense of the term.

∞ DT ∞