Blog entry for:

i am clean ...
the more i realize that false humility and playing down what i have accomplished as a RESULT of living a program of active recovery, is just another way for me to degrade and disrespect myself. as the reality of what i have become, collides with the lies i have told myself for so long, that they have taken on a patina of truth, i become for certain that knowing what i have yet to discover or uncover, is not the same as the willful ignorance i lived in for so long. the notion that i do recover and continue to recover, consumed my “quiet time,” this morning and the echoes of what bubbled up are still ringing in my head.
this would be where i write the litany of what the “miracle” of recovery has brought to me life. i will defer on that, as it really is not the changes that popped of the stack. what did come up, was a bit of regret for hiding who i am and what i may become, from myself and the world around me for so long. as part of that, there is a sense of gratitude that i have been inching forward to having the BIG LIE exposed for what it is, and to implement a process to deal with what is leftover, once i realized i was never broken and i lost all sorts of opportunities to live life in the open. taking on what others too me, as TRUTH, created a façade, that is only now beginning to crumble and break, as i allow others to see me for who i am and who i want to be. part of that, is that i do not “hang” with those i find to duplicitous or lacking in integrity. that choice i make because i was that person and i need not waste my time trying to pierce the veil of lies, someone else has created to protect whatever it is they feel the need to protect. i have wasted too much of my life living in the twilit world of rationalizations and justifications and no longer find that acceptable for myself. i am worth more than hanging out with a lie, today.
right here and right now, i can say i am relieved my job may last to December. i am grateful that i have the time to sharpen my skills and look for the next step on my career ladder. most importantly, i have FAITH that no matter what this day brings, i will be able to get through it and be well, when i lay my head on the pillow tonight. when i live the program that has been given to me, playing to my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses, i GET to live as my true self and not the shadow man, i once was, just for today.

∞ DT ∞