Blog entry for:

especially in myself. there was a time when i believed there was no recovery in the fellowship that has given me this new life and as a result tried to carve out my niche in the fellowship that came the closest to addressing my real problem. it never was a good fit BUT, i am grateful for the men and women in that fellowship who allowed me the freedom to at least try out recovery there and taught me enough to start my journey in recovery that continues to this day. with their love and support i got thirteen months clean and was ready to hear: that i was just an addict, that i could lose the desire to use and that i could find a new way to live.
i now know that not only is there recovery in the fellowship that i am a part of, i too can recover the best right here. i no longer need to do all kinds of fancy mental gymnastics to relate to what is being shared by other members, although my experience may be a bit different, the feelings, reactions and thoughts surrounding their experiences are the same as mine. i can relate on more than just a superficial level and understand exactly what i need to understand.
so exactly what does this have to do with acknowledging my gratitude for my own personal miracle of recovery? well for one thing i can now look back to those days and see them for what they were, and the man i see there is not the man i see here today. that contrast is the result of what recovery has done for my life.
am i sane today? well, not quite but, i am engaging in fewer of the activities that caused pain to myself, my friends, my family members and society in general. i no longer commit a felony on a daily basis. and i do accept most of the responsibility for my behaviors.
is my life manageable today? no it is not BUT, i do show up and do what others expect nme to do. i am available to help out another member. and i do treat others with the same respect and courtesy i expect. and when i say i will be somewhere or do something i do my damn best to show up and do it.
do i have any great knowledge or insight? possibly, at least i have a better idea of who i am, and a few clues about the man i want to be.
and the most important question -- is the world a better, safer, saner place to live? my answer has to be yes! one less addict practicing the tricks of his trade has had to have a little effect on the state of the world. r=the world in general may still be spinning down into chaos, bit at least my immediate world has a bit more order in it, and that my friends is the direct effect of this addict walking the path of recovery and doing his best to live according to the spiritual principles of this program. doing my best varies from day to day but even on my least spiritual day i am not nearly the shit i was when i was using and that is progress!

∞ DT ∞