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yes it is true, there is a trap that often ensnares me, when it comes time to share. that trap starts with me overthinking a situation and deciding to cater my sharing to the crowd. my share then gets transformed into something it need not be, as i waffle between arrogance in the “I GOT THIS,” sense or false humility as evidenced by me uttering “if only you could hear what goes on in my head.” the only saving grace, at least for me, is that as that pendulum swings between those extremes, i have a few moments of sharing the real stuff.
this morning part of that so-called “real” was going to be a whole diss on another addict and pound the living crap out of them over disrespect and their lack of integrity. as i sat here, before my 11TH STEP, contemplating naming names and generally acting as Shiva the Destroyer, i realized that for what it is worth, a minute of satisfaction of posting something transitory in the world of bits and bytes, it was not a burden i wanted to carry on my soul. needless to say, there is a bit of evidence of the “miracle” of recovery in my life. where once upon a time, and it was not that long ago, i would have totally dismembered another human being and left them nearly fatally wounded, bleeding in the dust, as i lit a cigar and walked away, uncaring as to their final outcome. today, when i start down that path, i do wonder if that behavior is really something i want to CHOOSE to exercise. the fact is simply this, what once i felt i NEEDED to do and often did instantly without pause to ponder, are behaviors that i have a bit of FREEDOM from today. <drum, roll /> today i made a choice, because i have some recovery in my life.
i certainly have a whole lot more to learn, but i refuse to disrespect myself by saying the longer i stay clean the less i know. the actual truth that statement is trying to express, is that the longer i stay clean the more i discover what there is to learn. yes, that is a task of discovery rather than uncovery, although some of the discovery may be a bit of uncovery as i ponder the nature of my spiritual awakenings. i do know this, no matter how long i seem to stay clean, no matter how spiritual i may be, i really go to a dark place when i am disrespected, well maybe not so dark anymore, buts certainly not a happy place. part of what happens is the echoes of that ancient story that i am not good enough, even though i have proven to myself, time and again, as i stayed clean, that i am certainly worth being respected. so if i cannot rip someone to shreds, what'\'s next? well once upon a time, a whisper “knife in the back,” campaign would have been my alternative. just spread a bit of the sh!t around, in a vague and general way, so they lose status in the eyes of our peers and i get the satisfaction of retaliating for the pain they caused. once again i pause and consider what the prices i will pay will be. it really is not about them anymore, but am i willing to carry the burden of having to own this in the future and make amends for it? the answer is, just for today, i am worth far more than saddling myself with a pile of sh!t i need not carry. today i have a choice and i choose to move along, these are not the behaviors i am seeking.
deescalating the “evil” and finding a balance is where i seem to be going. yes it hurts to be disrespected time and again. yes, i feel the burn of that pain and want to retaliate. both of those statements are true, recovery, however has taught me that i can CHOOSE to acknowledge that pain, move beyond it and lower my expectations, after all they are “only human.”
as one can see, i am far from “cured” and just as far from the “piece of shite,” that walked into the rooms. today i am in active recovery and living a program that can and will certainly take me further that i have ever gone before. i need not shout out what you need to do, as all i really know is what i have done. the bromide though does go: “if you want what i have, then do what i did.” just for today, i am willing to give all of that away.

∞ DT ∞