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i know about anything, is one of the gifts of my recovery journey as when i entered recovery i **knew** everything about every topic under the sun and would gladly and loudly pontificate to anyone within earshot. i was boring and certainly boorish and can rip happily back into that behavior even with a bit of clean time. the miracle here, and if one looks at my personality change as a result of the steps, it is miraculous is that is no longer my default behavior, i do actually recover!
as i listened to my pronoun challenged peer share last night, i realized that they seemed to be afraid of owning who they were and how they seemed to see the world. they used “our” not to schmear the rest of us with their insanity but to try and minimize the difference between who they were and who they wanted me to see them as. they certainly do have a message, which i actually heard, once i let go of being stereotyped and generalized. sitting there as the rest of my peers shared about GOD and using the term “GOD” in their shares, gave me the opportunity to fine tune the nature of what i cannot seem to let go of, namely WTF i am going to do about surrendering my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i felt a solidarity with the rest of my peers as they shared a broad range of FAITH and paths to whatever FAITH they have and it certainly did not include “hating on Christians.”
for me, not knowing is a challenge and yet it is the only path forward. when i started letting go of having to define the face of GOD and “know” what would happen if only… and allowed myself the FREEDOM to feel and just be, i became “teachable,” for the first time, in a very long time. when i learned to say “i do not know,” instead of “you're wrong and here's why,” the glacier of my ignorance and intolerance reached the tipping point and i started to thaw. the attitudes i carried into recovery with me, began to morph into who i have become today. i may not be an entirely new person and the “old” me is certainly not dead and buries, BUT i am a more well-rounded, caring and social version of the person who walked into the rooms of recovery all those days ago. with that notion foremost on my mind, i think i will go shower off and join the mad rush south to get to my workplace, as that is an expectation i can certainly meet today.

∞ DT ∞