Blog entry for:

that recovery has brought to my life, shortchanges myself and those with whom i am sharing my experience, strength and hope. a bit of a way to get to what it was i heard and want to share about this morning. i really do believe that there needs to be a reading about this topic, at least once a month. beliefs aside, i certainty know that i thought that sharing about how much i have changed as a result of working a step or two was conceit and braggadocio, run rampant. the fact of the matter is, as my ego deflated and started to become more right sized, the more i thought humility was all about being less than i thought i was and as a result, these topics seemed to be telling me that maybe, i NEED to take some credit for the changes that have manifested in my life. as the pendulum swung form being a complete sick and twisted individual, to a total self-realized and self-aware spiritual guru, i saw that the truth, as is often the case, was somewhere in between.
learning what it means to be humble and express my life and recovery in realistic terms, is one of the tasks i undertake on a daily basis. the problem of course, at least for me, is the yardstick i use to measure where i am. there are more than the two, but it seems the the two i use the most are “where i think i should be, ” and “where i think i am.“ where i think i should be, especially after a few days clean, is some sort of recovery guru, who understands the ins and outs of all the spiritual principles, can apply those principles in every single one of my affairs, every single waking moment of my life. where i think i am, is a recalcitrant and stubborn addict, who will not let go of anything, believes that i am entitled to everything my heart desires and acts of of self-interest all the freaking time. the truth, of course, lies somewhere in between, and the real measure of my growth in recovery, needs to be, “where i am today, when i look at where i started at.“ yes, that is the ideal, and when i use that to compare and contrast,. especially when i share with others, the actual truth is revealed, and that truth speaks in humility. using the irony of: “if you only knew” or “the less i seem to know,” to preface what i am going to share, makes where i actually am, seem, at least in mind, to be more pithy, succinct and a better tale. with that sort of action, i have moved beyond sharing who and what i am, and into entertaining the masses. when i am “working the crowd,” i have lost any sort humility, or hope to actually show who and what i am today.
the simple fact is, yes i have moments of insanity that may shock or titillate my peers. yes the longer i stay clean, the more i see how much more i need to learn. no i do not walk around six inches off the ground, radiating beams of light, but i do carry a spiritual program into the world around me. no i do not have all the answers to all those illogical or irrational parts of the program that do not fit into any sort of scientific framework, but i do know how to live, just for today, without diving into active addiction. most importantly i know what i need to do, to stay clean today ⇛ ask for and accept the power to stay clean from the POWER that fuels my recovery, the rest will be revealed as i move through my day.

∞ DT ∞