ฮ i do an injustice - to myself and to those i share with โ ฮ
Posted: Tue, Jul 9, 2013 07:39:20 AM
when i do not acknowledge the magnitude of the miracle of my recovery. after a series of rather unpleasant texts last night and early this morning, i was more than worked up and ready to rip someone a brand new orifice, and stuff various body parts down it as i tore them off their body. i mean seriously, when does being a friend to someone mean that every flavor of the month that is their life, is entitled to be in mine. although i have been nothing but polite and respectful, even asking that she no longer call or text me, she took it upon herself to try and guilt, shame and manipulate me into a interaction with her, which i promptly ignored with silence, that generated a very long text first thing this morning, at 5:00 AM.
the miracle of my recovery, is today, although here i am whining about it, i did not respond in kind. nor do i believe i will respond in kind, silence in this case is golden, and she can think whatever the fVck she wants to, as i have never met her, nor is it likely i will ever meet her.
the question than becomes what is my part in this. i am not certain what my part is. asking someone to please stop calling and texting, is neither rude nor disrespectful. somewhere down the line i crossed some sort of boundary and the only experience i have in the other side of that fence goes back to my own using days. in fact, when i was using, i had all sorts of strange belief systems about what i was entitled to, what was owed me, and who owed it to me. when they were less than receptive to my overtures, i became angry and retaliated in kind, trying to manipulate them through guilt and shame into doing what i wanted. it really is not fair for me to project my behavior and motives on someone else, and while it may be the case, i do not know this person, so i will have to leave it at, i know what i once did, and perhaps she is in the same spot. she is hurting, so she hurts back, making me the scapegoat for all her pain. which i also understand. or perhaps she just is an a$$hole, that i did to forgive and move on from. which after dumping my stuff i am certainly ready to do. it is true the longer i stay clean, the less i know about active addiction. time away from the life, dime my memory and the part of me i call addiction, tells me i was never that bad, after all look at far i have come. yes, the lie may be dead that once an addict always an addict, but at least for me, addiction is always part of who i am and will remain a part of me until the day i die. part of how that plays out in my life, is i want to tromp someone to pieces for the perceived wrongs they may have done to me. the miracle today, is that i no longer NEED to. so whether or not i hear back from either of the so-called injured parties, is not relevant to my life today. i am well and now it is time to hit the dusty trail and head on out to work, knowing for certain that i have not heard the last word in this matter and not really concerned whether or not i will get to have it myself.
the miracle of my recovery, is today, although here i am whining about it, i did not respond in kind. nor do i believe i will respond in kind, silence in this case is golden, and she can think whatever the fVck she wants to, as i have never met her, nor is it likely i will ever meet her.
the question than becomes what is my part in this. i am not certain what my part is. asking someone to please stop calling and texting, is neither rude nor disrespectful. somewhere down the line i crossed some sort of boundary and the only experience i have in the other side of that fence goes back to my own using days. in fact, when i was using, i had all sorts of strange belief systems about what i was entitled to, what was owed me, and who owed it to me. when they were less than receptive to my overtures, i became angry and retaliated in kind, trying to manipulate them through guilt and shame into doing what i wanted. it really is not fair for me to project my behavior and motives on someone else, and while it may be the case, i do not know this person, so i will have to leave it at, i know what i once did, and perhaps she is in the same spot. she is hurting, so she hurts back, making me the scapegoat for all her pain. which i also understand. or perhaps she just is an a$$hole, that i did to forgive and move on from. which after dumping my stuff i am certainly ready to do. it is true the longer i stay clean, the less i know about active addiction. time away from the life, dime my memory and the part of me i call addiction, tells me i was never that bad, after all look at far i have come. yes, the lie may be dead that once an addict always an addict, but at least for me, addiction is always part of who i am and will remain a part of me until the day i die. part of how that plays out in my life, is i want to tromp someone to pieces for the perceived wrongs they may have done to me. the miracle today, is that i no longer NEED to. so whether or not i hear back from either of the so-called injured parties, is not relevant to my life today. i am well and now it is time to hit the dusty trail and head on out to work, knowing for certain that i have not heard the last word in this matter and not really concerned whether or not i will get to have it myself.
∞ DT ∞