Blog entry for:

to make things come out my way, or i can surrender to the will of a HIGHER POWER. so the reading spoke to me about the nature of my communication with the POWER that keeps me clean. more than likely i have spoken about how that has changed over the course of my recovery, starting with the foxhole prayers i used to rattle off like a machine gun when my ass was in a sling, way back when. quite truthfully, i still rattle off a few foxhole prayers now and again, especially when i am frustrated or <GASP> dealing with the consequences of living in self-will. be that as it may, writing about the changing nature of prayer is not where i am going with this today. nor will i tell the stories about getting what i asked for in prayer but NOT THE SPECIFIC thing i wanted, as i am sure i have told those stories before as well.
what i heard this morning, in an especially quiet time, is that i am mostly clueless when it comes to acting in pure self-will. i do understand the discussion of the various types of wills as they apply to the fellowship, and the amazing part is that while i can see others acting in self-will, i miss the clues that i, myself, am doing the same thing. the results of self-will are rarely what i desire and even worse, most of the time far worse than i ever imagined. what am i talking about? well, there is an acquaintance of mine, with whom i truly desire a friendship. try as i might, i cannot get this person to come off their high horse and accept and treat me as an equal. i have gamed them, berated them, ignored them, shunned them, written them and tried to talk to them, and yet the result is always the same. that leaves me in a situation where it is time for me to finally surrender to the will of a HIGHER POWER and accept that if i truly want a relationship as a friend with this person, i need to stop doing what i have been doing, and surrender to the fact that if it is to be,m it is up the POWER that keeps me clean to provide it. this is especially poignant, as i have been exercising my self-will in this matter for over 3 years now, and guess what the same result. i know that is the definition of insanity, because i expected a different result. the worst part is, i know they read this particular exercise from time to time, and yet are still obtuse to what i am trying to say. so guess who needs to change their expectations and let go? well it is not that other addict!
i am more than a bit surprised that this topic was so high on the stack this morning, i guess it really is time to let go and move on. my life would certainly be a helluva lot easier if i did, and what i am hearing, now that i am finally listening for it, is what i want i cannot get, at least not when i want it, which was three years ago. man can i ever be obtuse to the voice of a HIGHER POWER, especially when i purport to be listening for it every day. enough of the baseball bat this morning, it is what it is, my job today is to let go and see where i can go without the burden of this particular instance of self-will. it is now time to run off my stress and cares, on the cool, and damp Tuesday morning and see how i can align my will to that of a HIGHER POWER, at least in the here and now. it is after all, a good day to NOT exercise self-will.

∞ DT ∞