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i hit a milestone this morning, as i did not have to replace the GOD with the POWER that fuels my recovery, for the first time, in quite some time. what that seems to be an indicator of, is that i have finally come to terms with what my concept of this HIGHER POWER notion is and how it will fit into the lively and bustling fellowship that is my recovery home. more than likely i will not be using GOD a whole lot, when it comes to naming that concept, but when i do, i will no longer feel like a hypocrite.
the final issue to settle, therefore comes down to how i access that POWER and communicate with it, and here i am still far from the mainstream. i have no problem with meditation, and i can do quick little meditative states during the day, when i pause and s\\eek guidance for the how i can act in the here and now. i have no problem asking for that POWER to keep me clean when i wake up in the morning and thanking that POWER for another day clean, when i lay down to go to sleep each evening. so far so good, i am well within the confines of what my peers express and seem to live by. where i get into trouble, is the fact that all i do is listen throughout my day, and almost never consciously “ask.” i am not a prayerful kind of guy, and even though i see it is working for others, prayer that is, i no longer feel comfortable asking for more than the power to stay clean. as one of my peers put it the other day, “my HIGHER POWER does not have ears!” as i grew to become more comfortable with that notion, i saw a distance that put between myself and the greater majority of my peers in recovery. at first it was not so bad, as i have always considered myself a rebel of sorts. being way out of the norm in this instance was a fVcking cool thing. as i am getting closer and closer to the end of this step cycle, i am less and less enthralled with being a rebel, just to be a rebel, and yearning to be a rebel within the fold. for me, i fall back on the line in our literature that speaks to those who do not pray,. that reassures me that i really am not out the norm. if the fellowship in general, felt the need top speak to this issue, it is something that they had run across before and wanted to address before it became a wedge between members and the fellowship. that fact is a comfort to me and may end up in my elevator pitch description of my spiritual sense of how things are.
anyhow, i goofed this morning and need cto get running off to my first day at my brand new and current job. it is a graet day to be clean and a better day to let the POWER that fuels my recovery, run the show.

∞ DT ∞