Blog entry for:

surrendering my expectations, embracing GOD and accepting my life sounds like an excellent recipe for working the eleventh step. none of this comes easily for me.
as a human i have expectations about the people and events that comprise my life. when i was in active addiction the last thing i ever wanted to do was surrender anything. i wanted what i wanted and if some aspect did not meet my expectations i was pissed-off and miserable. i would go back and exert my will until the results were closer to what i expected and desired.
since i considered myself to be a ‘ smart ‘ person, embracing the concept of a divine power went totally against my grain. of course when times got tough, i would say a lsquo; get me out of here ’ prayer and expected the situation to suddenly change favorably for me.
and of course accepting my life such as it was at that moment was a state i rarely achieved. since my expectations were seldom met, i was constantly whining about how bad my life was and did everything short of real action to improve my life. what that mostly consisted of was being miserable and making everyone else in my life miserable.
so here i am today, thinking about my current spiritual state and i find elements of the same diseased thinking. i still have an expectation or three, i still have trouble embracing GOD from time to time and i tolerate my life rather than accepting it on most days. although intellectually i accept this recipe for living the eleventh step, emotionally i still have a problem or two. part of the problem is the current state of my step work or lack thereof. if i truly learn to LIVE a third step much of this would go away or at least be addressed through the step process. so i guess what i have to do right here and right now is make a decision to surrender my will and my life into the care of a GOD of my understanding and see what happens.
∞ DT ∞