โ i will surrender my expectations, โ
Posted: Sat, Aug 24, 2013 08:23:08 AM
look to a HIGHER POWER for guidance, and accept life.
one of those readings, this morning, where i can say, nothing to see here, move along, as i am already part of this choir. HOWEVER, there is a theme in here that resonates in me, so i will comment anyhow, as i have both the time and the desire to do so today.
praying only for knowledge of the will of a HIGHER POWER and the power to carry it out, is a no-brainer for me. in fact when i hear others asking me to pray for this and that, it really ticks me off. i am better these days, about not jumping down their throats, asking them “WTF, the 11TH Step does not apply to you?”
of course, then i realize, that i am not in that will either, if i allow myself to get carried away by my passionate belief system. for me, recognizing that the seething anger i feel inside is the result of my unmet expectation that everyone follow every single step to the best of their ability today. the problem here, is that i, like some of the others i have heard share recently, expect more from my peers. as incredulous as that sounds. it really is no different to than a frequent relapser to keep coming back, having the damage they did, instantly forgiven and being welcomed back into the circle of friends they once enjoyed. it just makes no sense, people, recovering addicts or not, are just people, and subject to all the frailties that are the human condition.
i, however, have gone down a way different track than i intended, and although there is quite a bit more to say, about my unmet expectations and their effect on my serenity, what i heard this morning, when i listened was that life happens. miracles on demand, cannot be expected and praying for this and that, then expecting it to happen, is just plain so fVcking non-spiritual, IMHO. truthfully, i am my biggest victim when it comes to expectations and one of the little tricks i used to provide evidence of a lack of a HIGHER POWER, was the frequent non-fulfillment of my prayers. it jaded me and in the end, i came to the program devoid of any desire to look at anything that even had a whiff of religion to it, as i have documented in the past. the process, ongoing to this day, has allowed me to reconcile who i am, and find something, anything, which i refer to as the POWER that fuels my recovery, to surrender my will and my life into the care of. yes, as superstitious and peasant-like is sounds, i am okay today with a concept of a HIGHER POWER, that will give me what i need, be it: power, a job,friends, or even a rescue pup. i am comfortable, praying for knowledge of that Power's will for me, and carrying it out, when i am present enough to hear it. today, i can stop being a victim of my expectations and start to live in the grace of the program that has given me this new manner of living. today i can forgive myself of being human, and remember some are more human than others. today, i can suit up, show up and be present for my life, which means it is time to shower off, and head on out the door. life is… life today, and for that i am grateful.
one of those readings, this morning, where i can say, nothing to see here, move along, as i am already part of this choir. HOWEVER, there is a theme in here that resonates in me, so i will comment anyhow, as i have both the time and the desire to do so today.
praying only for knowledge of the will of a HIGHER POWER and the power to carry it out, is a no-brainer for me. in fact when i hear others asking me to pray for this and that, it really ticks me off. i am better these days, about not jumping down their throats, asking them “WTF, the 11TH Step does not apply to you?”
of course, then i realize, that i am not in that will either, if i allow myself to get carried away by my passionate belief system. for me, recognizing that the seething anger i feel inside is the result of my unmet expectation that everyone follow every single step to the best of their ability today. the problem here, is that i, like some of the others i have heard share recently, expect more from my peers. as incredulous as that sounds. it really is no different to than a frequent relapser to keep coming back, having the damage they did, instantly forgiven and being welcomed back into the circle of friends they once enjoyed. it just makes no sense, people, recovering addicts or not, are just people, and subject to all the frailties that are the human condition.
i, however, have gone down a way different track than i intended, and although there is quite a bit more to say, about my unmet expectations and their effect on my serenity, what i heard this morning, when i listened was that life happens. miracles on demand, cannot be expected and praying for this and that, then expecting it to happen, is just plain so fVcking non-spiritual, IMHO. truthfully, i am my biggest victim when it comes to expectations and one of the little tricks i used to provide evidence of a lack of a HIGHER POWER, was the frequent non-fulfillment of my prayers. it jaded me and in the end, i came to the program devoid of any desire to look at anything that even had a whiff of religion to it, as i have documented in the past. the process, ongoing to this day, has allowed me to reconcile who i am, and find something, anything, which i refer to as the POWER that fuels my recovery, to surrender my will and my life into the care of. yes, as superstitious and peasant-like is sounds, i am okay today with a concept of a HIGHER POWER, that will give me what i need, be it: power, a job,friends, or even a rescue pup. i am comfortable, praying for knowledge of that Power's will for me, and carrying it out, when i am present enough to hear it. today, i can stop being a victim of my expectations and start to live in the grace of the program that has given me this new manner of living. today i can forgive myself of being human, and remember some are more human than others. today, i can suit up, show up and be present for my life, which means it is time to shower off, and head on out the door. life is… life today, and for that i am grateful.
∞ DT ∞