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and yet, i hear other members beseeching me to pray for this and that, so i am presented a dilemma, do i follow my own heart and head, or do i do as i am asked, even it is contrary to all that i have learned? my solution, is of course to be true to myself, and move along, never acknowledging their requests for my prayers.
to me, the POWER that fuels my recovery is not some of vending machine, dispensing stuff and events on demand. in fact, i find the Santa GOD concept more than a little creepy and in my opinion rooted in self-will. i am no longer a child and as i grow spiritually i have gotten to the place, that everything i NEED will be given to me, IF i pay attention. when i ask for the opportunity to find a full-time gig, i am actually reminding myself to stay awake and do my best to present for what is going on around me. when i ask to win POWERBALL? well that is just self-will run riot. i wonder how all of those requests get sorted out and who ends up being the one to pop off that stack?
there is one very specific thing i ask for in prayed EVERY SINGLE DAY: that is to be kept clean. i request that with so much passion, that one may look at it as a demand. when i ask that i be kept clean, i am surrendering my will, but that does not excuse me from doing the next right thing anyhow. just because i ask, does not mean my responsibility ends there. for me, that request is the start of my partnership with the POWER that fuels my recovery, on a daily basis. one can wail, moan and gnash their teeth about how awful life is, and i could certainly be that one. after all, i left a great gig down in Denver, for what i thought would be my future and had that rug yanked out from under me in two days. it has been, oh shall we say, more than a little bit difficult for me to see how any of that fits in the plan for my overall well-being. you know, i thought i was paying attention and letting go of self-will. and perhaps i was, and this is just one of those times that instead of going into the whole mysterious ways trip, i just let go, continue to step off, and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide for my needs. yes, letting go and allowing stuff to happen is tough. and yet, as i approach the end of the project that i have been working on, there is a bit of gratitude about what i have learned and how nice it really is coming out. none of that would have been possible, had i been working full-time, and even though i thought i could easily make the deadline, now as it looms, i will be scrambling to get it done. oh yeah, i have a phone interview for a gig here in town today, so maybe…
all thins being equal, my FAITH has not been tested. what has been tested is my ability to live in FAITH and allow the world to spin as it will. yes, i have been asking for the opportunity to find a full-time gig. in the mean time i am doing my best to take care of those customers who are paying my way today. what is on tap for me today? work, run, work, interview, work, and chillaxing with the woman i love, and oh yeah, whatever else happens to pop up as the day goes by. am i praying to get the job i am interviewing for today? well…
let me just say, i am asking for the opportunity, will do my best to grasp that opportunity and leave the results up to the powers that be, at least in the here and now. in the there and then? who knows! i will do my best to be true to myself and to honestly accept and expect whatever comes about. i know sounds like some spiritual camouflage for self-will, but you know what, i will do my best to be there for as much as possible today.
ironically, what popped into my head was a request for y'all to pray for me ;) so before i go anywhere else that i may not want to go, i will end this with the thought that i am who i am, and if i do my best to be the best than everything will work out in a manner that will be to my liking.

∞ DT ∞