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once upon a time, i was certainly in this mindset, as i had come to believe in a HIGHER POWER that i refer to as **SANTA GOD.** in my recovery journey, i embraced something i heard when i was a child,m that anything i sincerely asked for in prayer, would be granted. it seemed to me at that time, that was coming true, and it only enhanced my belief, as i chose to ignore any and all evidence to the contrary. this “childish belief,” persisted in my spiritual belief structure for quite some time. as i “grew up” in recovery and that structure morphed into a system, i saw, that for me, i would need to let go of all sorts of things, including on-demand miracles.
today, as i look at the role of prayer and my expectations of outcomes in my recovery life, i can still feel the “echoes” of that particular story ringing in my conscious contact activities. when things get tough and i feel FVCKED, i want to reach back into my bag of tricks and pull out “Santa God,” once again. as i consider that as part of my Second Step process, i am starting to see, that most of my insanity is derived from the stories i have built up in my repertoire. some of them are true, but twisted by the part of me i call addiction. most of them have an element of truth to them, making them hard to discard. the remainder, however, are just plain lies that i have repeated often enough to take on the semblance of truth. what i am beginning to “feel” is that what i really want to be restored or even created, is to have the ability to discern the difference. this where i need to let go of what i “know” and take a deep dive into the FAITH that i have grown. that FAITH tells me that if i am awake, present and paying attention, i will have opportunities to get my NEEDS and some of my DESIRES. i am certain that there is some POWER that keeps me clean, whether i choose to call that POWER by a name or not, i can still rely on that POWER to give me what i NEED to stay clean today, even if i feel FVCKED.
into the real world i must now venture as things are moving all around me and i need to be present for them. life in recovery may seem like an uphill journey, and perhaps it is, BUT the grade does not seem to be getting any steeper, just for today.

∞ DT ∞