Blog entry for:

and flow of life, is not something i accepted when i was using, in early recovery and still part of what i try and **control** when i get **out there** spiritually. this morning, i am hoping that i will not come to regret a decision i made yesterday about trusting someone, who has consistently said one thing then did another. the consequences of that decision affect more than my serenity. my desire to control this situation is all about not hurting someone else and i want resolution before i dive into my day. once again, it comes down to trusting what i cannot control and having a bit of FAITH that everything will work out the exact way it is supposed to work out, ARGHHHH!
all of that drives home the point that what i want, is not necessarily what i get, at least not in the time frame that i feel is acceptable to me. this morning, as i dipped into the void, my concern did not bubble up to the surface, instead what i “heard” was a sense of relief that one of the men who call me their sponsor, made it back from a family vacation clean and dedicated to the proposition of recovery. another notion that came to the top was a sense of gratitude that one of my peers that has been “running and gunning” all summer long, on the streets of my home town, is safe and sound with their family in another state. my hope is that they are finding a path, back to recovery and not just “gaming” their family. most of what i “heard” this morning was a quiet certainty that i am going to be okay and the chaos that is swirling around me will subside, of its own accord, without me applying any pressure, one way or another.
one of the gifts that i have been given and i have to attribute it to my ELEVENTH STEP, is the reduction of my “crazy season.” i am not going insane, spinning about how this i am and how that i am not, as i approach my clean date. i certainly have not been praying for anything specific, other than the power to stay clean and to let go of many of the people and situations that comprise my life and cause me to drop into a state of angst. it is true, i am way over this pandemic crap and am not jumping with joy that i have to spend time with my parents on a daily basis. and yet, it feels as if these are things i have to accept as the world spins forward into another season. taking a minute to “contemplate my naval” before i post this, i want to be certain that the energy that i put out to the world today, contributes to the whole, rather than spinning up more chaos. quite an aspiration, but certainly something i can set for a goal. in order to do that, i will need to let go of what i feel i am entitled to and what i expect to happen, accepting that what comes down the pike, just may be the manifestation of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞