Blog entry for:

sense of assurance. yes of all the little bits i could have lifted fro the reading, this one, fits the best, even out of context. my sponse has had e working on **feeling** stuff instead of thinking about it, and making decisions based on my heart rather than my head. putting that into practice has been quite the exercise for me. the most recent example has been to let go of what i think i know and allow myself to feel my way into dealing with the world around me. it is often quite an interesting observation that when i complain about the chaos that is happening around me, that it is often me that is misinterpreting what is going on and i am the perpetrator and not the victim. the longer i stay clean the more i “feel” that i am not now and perhaps never was a victim of circumstances. it is quite true, that i was victimized myself,m but when you live in the bizarro world of being the abused and the abuser, all sorts of interesting ironies develop. as grow away from having to be “right” and more into the mode of uncovering what i still have to discover, part of that is the quiet assurance that i am feeling, that i am becoming a more complete and spiritual being.
the weird part of this journey, is that so many people in my life trust me, and talk to me. when i was the stoic rock, an island isolating myself from the sea of emotions, feelings and interactions of those around me, no one told me squat, and i was driven to get caught up on all the latest. nowadays, i hear so much and get to evaluate so much that when i hear a misrepresentation of a set of facts come to light, i have to chuckle. sometimes, as the good doctor once said, a cigar is just a cigar. it is my experience and past that determines how i interpret what may or may not be a innocent mistake and blow it up into something nefarious. if i had never behaved in a nefarious manner, i would not cast nefarious motives on to the behaviors of others. i was not trustworthy and hence trusted no one. i was self-seeking and always had an agenda, hence, i believed everyone was out for their own selfish gain. the list goes on and on. what the exercise i started two nights ago is doing for me, is allowing me to see past the human-ness of others and into my own heart. today i see it is me that just may be casting them into the roles of arrogant, self-serving douche-bags and that perhaps it really is not what they are, today anyhow.
i think i will wrap it up right there, as i am starting to reach for stuff to write. just for today, i can be a bit more humble and accept that there is a mystery or two that may be revealed if i get out of the way and allow it to happen.

∞ DT ∞