Blog entry for:

i know i will be taken care of today. so before i get jumped on for removing GOD from the topic, rest assured that this blog will be about my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery. i tried to rewrite the original seed so it made sense grammatically as well as syntactically,, but today a good result eluded me and what you see is what you get.
the commitment i speak of this morning is to myself as well as to the POWER that fuels my recovery, however as i get further and further into STEP 3, i am finding that more and more that my old mental pictures of that POWER suffice less and less, and that i am developing something more and far beyond my limited ability to comprehend. i am not going down the definition or process path this morning, no what i felt when i read the reading this morning has more to with SURRENDER and FAITH and less to do with understanding and defining.
i have heard many in the rooms speak as if the POWER i am talking about is some sort of, well i do not know how to gently put it, but it seems that they are subservient and in thrall to that concept. phrases like: “God willing” and “GOD guide my mouth” just feel so alien and oppressive to me. these days, i may not have an inside track on the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, but i am certainly getting more than enough clues about what is my self-will, as to be expected as i move deeper into STEP 3. i am also getting the notion, that once again it is my RELATIONSHIP with the POWER that fuels my recovery that is important, not the definition of what IT is or what exactly IT's will is today. i have always liked the idea that i am a partner in my life with this POWER, ever since the first time i read this entry. the problem has always been my emotional and mental state. at times i am not worthy of such a relationship, so i sabotage it by interpreting the events that occur in daily living as signs that such a relationship cannot be. you know the drill, stuff like “if this light turns red in front of me it must mean that i am being punished by GOD.”
hyperbole, such as that, keeps me from feeling the connection and separates me from the POWER that fuels my recovery, as i am once again cast into a role that i have long outgrown. of course i am just as apt to flip such interpretations around to support the theory that i am favored or have a special place in the scheme of things. yes i am special, perhaps i may have a special significance in the scheme of things, but in reality i am just another addict doing my best to recover from addiction one day at a time. when i get there, i am ready for my partnership with the POWER that fuels my recovery as i have accepted who and what i am, and more importantly what i NEED to stay clean today.
this internal and seemingly eternal battle within me, to rectify the divine and the mundane, keeps me from accepting the gifts that i am being given, or better put consciously accepting those gifts, namely what to do today and how to proceed in my life. the noise of that strife drowns out the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and i end up poorer as a result. so my commitment this morning and today is to be quiet, allow the voice of that POWER to be heard and accept that i am a partner with that POWER in my life and in my recovery. full partner, junior partner or equal partner, the modifier really does not matter, it is my acceptableness of the partnership that is paramount and where i will go today. after all i do have places to go and miles to run before i sleep. all of that and much much more is available to me, and i think i will accept it all gratefully as i move forward into today.

∞ DT ∞