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as i have been discovering lately, even those who are not afflicted with addiction, often refuse to accept the inevitable and take control of their next chapter. i know that when i was in active addiction i preferred to allow the course of life drive me through the rapids, then when i crashed and burned it was never my fault. basically what has happened is my family business is soon to be just a memory. part of me disengaging is turning off the lights, slowly on the office network and the internet. each step so far has been painless, but now that it actually getting the comfortably ensconced to move on with their lives, i am meeting resistance. what i sent as notification, was misinterpreted as a request. the fact is, what i am doing by forcing the transition now, is easing the pain in the end, and yet, like me, there are some who refuse to move forward with their lives and now have me as their terrible scapegoat to rail against. i also know what the alternative might be: they sell off the service and BOOM the next day everyone loses their online presence. of course that too, would be my fault, as i did not prepare them for the end. i understand that whole game, as i am a master practitioner of blame-shifting and denial. for me they go hand in hand. well at least they did, until i finally became a member of this fellowship and started my journey to becoming who i am today.
i have used this topic in the past to document my spiritual journey, and the various phases of my belief in how i see the POWER that fuels my recovery. that ground has been well covered and i need not go there this morning. where i will go, as i have done in the past is into how is see my part in the partnership i have developed with that POWER. as i was coming to terms with who i am, i used my nascent FAITH to find enough strength just to stay clean today. step work, feelings, relationships, taking responsibility and all those activities i find myself intimately involved in today were not yet in the provenance of that POWER, those were stuff i could handle, which i did very poorly. now i could use that POWER as the scapegoat for all that was wrong with my life. blame-shifting and denial were just taken to a new level. i was not any healthier and now i had something all-knowing and all powerful to blame. ain't life grand when one comes out of the darkness. i became a walking cliché, spouting off tracts from the literature, thanking that POWER for another day clean and sharing all the bumper stickers and slogans of my fellowship ,as if they were original thoughts. i could parrot and mimic what i though a success in recovery looked like, even though i was far from any sort of ideal.
time and a few step cycles later and i see how that little seed of FAITH i had way back when, has grown into spiritual abundant life. i can see my part in things and when i need to be, i can be strong rigid and courageous. when i need to be i can be soft and vulnerable when i need to be. most of all i have TRUST i what i get out of the partnership i have developed with the POWER that fuels my recovery. my job is to stay clean and live an active program of recovery. unlike some of my peers, that means that i need not feel shameful when i fall short of that ideal. i feel guilty, i make adjustments and i let it go, or at least do my best to do so. i do not dwell on my feelings, shaping them with my thoughts into what i want them to be. nor do i sit up at nights polishing my story to highlight the juicy bits and bury those i would rather not have viewed by the world. today i get my strength form the POWER that fuels my recovery and feeling my way to the next right thing, is certainly exercising the 11TH step in my daily life.
reality does call though. i could keep going on, gushing about how good it is to be in this partnership, but i am fairly certain you get the idea. today i am safe and secure in my recovery. today i am grateful that i GET to go to work, earn a living and not depend on an uncertain future, as i have taken as much control of my life as i can. yes, i have a POWER that fuels my recovery, but that POWER did not write and live my steps, go to meetings week after week, perform service or get a college degree. that POWER provided the opportunities for me to do so and that POWER continues to provide me the opportunities to grow even more today. time for me to take this opportunity to start my journey towards work, after all, it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞