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commitment is not to my HIGHER POWER, the program or my recovery, as heretical as that may sound, until i made a commitment to myself, none of those other commitments were possible. living life in recovery has been quite the ride for me. i did not have the desire to stop using until i was fifteen hundred miles away from home in a basement apartment in New Jersey with a sack of dope i paid for and less than three days before i had to pee in a bottle. in those long hours as i watched a using buddy consume my dope, i reached the point of wanting something more from my life that being a slave to my addiction. little did i realize, back then, that i would have the opportunity to be clean for as long as i used. even with the desire to be more than just an addict, i still was less than committed to anything.
it took fifteen years to start to step out of the role i had created for myself and actually commit to being myself, through a spiritual path that actually fit who i was becoming. it took another eight years before i finally realized that playing victim to the lie i told myself since i was five years old, was not doing anything to advance my journey of becoming who i am. two years ago, when i finally cleared that “crime scene” i committed to being myself, the best self i could be on any given day at any given moment and my recovery simply slipped into place with all those other commitments becoming something i desired, rather than what i dreadfully avoided.
today, as i prepare to step out to get some more steps, i see that my commitment to myself is certainly paying off. i feel comfortable in my own skin, simply being who i am and i am not afraid to show that person to the world around me. i may not be any sort of model for the recovering addict, but i am certainly the best recovering addict i can be today. i am more than okay with that, just for today

∞ DT ∞