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to my recovery. if one were to back-track through my various posts on the blog, i am quite certain one would see an evolution from where i once was in this whole GOD notion, to where i am today. what was once written in stone, at least sandstone, has flowed to into something that lacks any definition or form. it is not that i am not committed to my recovery, it is just that this reading brings me back to the beginning of the journey that led me to my current spiritual path. i am more than a bit off the beaten track of my peers, and for that i do not apologize or need to rationalize or justify to feel good about the direction my recovery has taken, at least in this regard. so when it comes to a “partnership,” what once fit, no longer does and although i want to say just the right thing to fit into my “tribe,” in this respect, i am quite on my own. that does not mean that i am looking to ditch my commitment to recovery, it just means how i speak about that commitment is evolving into a new and different vocabulary.
yesterday, at my home group, i finally vocalized a notion that has been going on for at least the last nine months: “why do i stay?” what is it that keeps me coming back now that i no longer walk in with the black and thunderous cloud of RELAPSE following my every move, thought and action? i shared about all that i have, and how my behaviors, thoughts and spiritual practices have been altered by the program i have been living and how there was certainly a part of me, a huge part of me, that no longer saw the necessity of the 12 steps or the fellowship. while i sat last night and again this morning, that train of thought was echoing through my spirit, and when i got up and got moving, i KNEW that i stay because i am where i belong. no matter how hard i have tried to disprove that theory, i always see that the arguments against are spurious at best. this is the first place i have found, where just about everyone “gets” me and understands what i mean when i share my current brand of insanity. the eighteen months of fear, uncertainty and doubt that was my early recovery, kept bringing me back to the conclusion that i was one of the many and the many that i was one of was the fellowship that gave me this new manner of living. when the doubts arise, as they do and especially as i crossed the decades clean barrier, it becomes easy to becomes easy to discount that research as incomplete or being misinterpreted, after all, i was new to recovery, i had no “pink cloud” and i certainly had the desire to use again, as soon as it was possible, given my legal situation. because of all of that, and not despite it, i can see today, that i am right where i am supposed to be and so are those whom have asked me to sponsor them.
unfortunately it has not been a good slice of time for either of the men that are wards of the justice system. both have succumbed to the social pressures that fill those environments. one of them got regressed and the other one, got away with something. the one that regressed i felt sad for, and when i saw him yesterday, i could empathize with his plight and understood why he did what he did, in that environment, one has to physically stand up for themselves, or they will be walked all over. the other? well i was quite disappointed in his choice and i let him know. it will be fodder for conversation next Sunday when i see him face-to-face and i was considering for at least a minute of investing less of my time and energy in this relationship and when i asked myself why, the only answer i could come up with, was that i was pissed and hurt and wanted to get my pound of flesh. i took on his decision as a reflection of who i am and how i carry the message. yes i took his actions personally and it truly sent me in a downward spiral. we will certainly discuss stuff, i will certainly own my disappointment and let him know where i went with his stuff and in the end, i am certain our relationship will grow, as i let go of my expectations of him.
my commitment to recovery? it may feel a bit bumpy right now, but i am quite sure that this too shall pass, after call, it has always done so up to this point, why would today be any different!

∞ DT ∞