Blog entry for:

for life, no matter what it throw at me, is certainly a great topic for this morning. my reactions to how my life has been playing out, have not been stellar, especially in the last thirty-six hours. i could delve deeply into the cause and conditions for my intractable anger and angst, but it all boils down to the fact that i did NOT like the consequences of something i **volunteered** to do. last night, i realized that i had finally surrendered my pent up emotions to the POWER that fuels my recovery and i could relax and fall asleep. i did not share at the meeting i attended, but i heard what i needed to hear, even though i felt that some of what was shared lacked any depth. when i decided to take my life off of “hold” and get out of the house, things started to shift for me. i may not be completely there yet, as i am not all that comfortable in my own house, but i am moving back in that direction.
okay, okay, i can hear the eyes rolling and feel the self-satisfied smirks on all of your faces, i am after all, not a “GOD” kind of guy. here i am spouting off about surrendering my feelings into the care of a HIGHER POWER, when i do not actually espouse any sort of concept of what that POWER may or may not be. the fact of the matter, is that maybe i have finally finished the THIRD STEP and i needed to live the consequences of a decision that might not have been the best one to maintain the serene and level lifestyle to which i have become accustomed. this morning,, where my heart was filled with resentment and hatred, there is now understanding and tolerance, which i have to admit, scares the living crap out of me. as i sat this morning, i decided that i would “go with this flow” and see where it leads. i know for mew to maintain this level, i need to eke out space for me and be selfish about doing so. i do not need a sh!t ton of space, just enough to breathe and get some perspective.
the other tasty tidbit that popped up from the depths this morning is that i am actually doing better than i feel. i may not be able to empathize with everyone that is part of my life, but i can certainly sympathize with them. i can settle for sympathy in this case and allow myself to move into empathy as my heart once again softens and i start to have some FAITH around this situation. it did piss me off when my sponse suggested that instead of having too much on my plate, GOD was giving me a bigger plate. i was not prepared for that little morsel of wisdom and although i am loathe to admit it, perhaps Carlos was correct. before i dive down the whole of the unknowable mind of GOD and GOD's mysterious ways, i will accept that my life today, is exactly as it needs to be, right here and right now. on that bright and cheery note i think i will totter off to the office, and be a part of the world around me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞