Blog entry for:

not to fake it, but live my life as it comes along, just for today.
the partnership reading, one that ignored for the longest time and then when i finally HEARD it, latched onto with it with as if it was something i could not live without, similar to the air i breathe. nowadays, well now it seems a bit trivial and more than a bit obvious and just is, so what am i going to write about today?
what i heard, when i sat down and listened was very interesting this morning. i felt that i need to talk about being real and how that applies in my life today. there are certainly enough examples in my group of peers, of people trying to maintain a front, and i could quite easily fall into that group. yes i want others to respect me, look up to me, and yes even put me on a pedestal from time to time, to say anything different would be a flat-out lie. what has changed in me these days, is that i want others to do that, based on the real me, not some sort of glowing recovery guru, who is afraid to admit that i am out of control, out of my house and it is the result of the various choices i made: good, bad or indifferent. yes, looking good, is what i can be all about, but recovery is not like a pair of shoes or a nice suit, that i can don and change as the mood strikes me, and yet that was and can be, how i live my life.i have been at this gig, for some time now, and yet i stumble and fall in this whole faking it part. somewhere down the line i GOT the message that if i could not do this recovery gig, at least fake it and everything would be okay. “FAKE IT, UNTIL I MAKE IT!”
that may be an okay notion for someone else, for me, it is a recipe that is as fatal as cyanide, and will kill me in both the short and long run. i spent decades learning how to build an impregnable front, and to expect me to abandon that skill, and trust me it was a skill, one that more than likely allowed me to live when i should have been&hellip, well you know. anyhow, being a master at this sort of deceit, of course i see it in my peers, and just as i am not overly fond of the mirror reflecting back that large zit that has suddenly showed up on my forehead, so i am less than thrilled to recognize in them, what i find in myself. so here is where the whole HIGHER POWER partnership comes in. instead of recoiling from what i do not like, i need top feel my way to the FAITH i need, to allow myself to change into the person i have always wanted to be. one of my peers is taking direct action by working the steps around a single defect of character, and although i may have an opinion on that, i have not been asked and will not volunteer it, until i am asked. my recovery process is based on a FAITH, that was so weak that it appeared to be non-existent at first, that IF i allow myself to feel my way to the next right thing, be it in my step work, what i share at a meeting, what job i take, who i share with one-on one, i will get exactly what i need. when i make overt and controlling actions in regards to my path in recovery, i am quite sure everything will come out sideways.
i want to be well. i want to get batter. i want my defects of character and the shortcomings that arise out of them to be removed. i want to have the serenity i find when i am living in harmony with the POWER that fuels my recovery. the irony here is that regardless of what i want and how much i want it, i have to let go, and allow it to come to me. unfortunately in this partnership there is a whole lot that i have no control over, save doing the footwork.
here is where i often say i could go on, but today, i honestly feel, like i have nothing more to write. so it is off to the showers and into my busy day, grateful that i have a partnership of any sort with the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞