๐ the early days ๐
Posted: Thu, Feb 18, 2021 10:09:46 AM
of my recovery were more like surviving the justice system, rather than commencing a spiritual journey, partnership or no partnership. i was far too cool for this school and i did my best to prove it, over and over and over again. that story, however, is not the house i choose to dwell in these days. i may not have anything close to the consensus version of GOD, as my partner today, but i do KNOW that the power to stay clean comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery. one may call that POWER, GOD, if that is what works, but for this addict, i know that because i live a program of active recovery, that POWER has my back.
this morning, as i sat, a few hours ago, what kept popping up to the top, was a text conversation i had from a man who once called me his sponsor. i kept going back to the line where he stated he was “sorry for making me feel blown off.” in reality, he certainly did blow me off, as we had an appointment for a phone call and he chose to take another call, at the appointed time. i could do a deep dive and attach motives to his words, but the sense i get, is that he has yet to come to see the reality of his actions. what i told him, on that fateful evening was i felt disrespected because he blew me off. i certainly do remember doing less than stellar things, even in recovery and then blaming my “victim” for having feelings about my actions. i may have forgiven his actions but i certainly have not forgotten them and if he decides he wants what i have, then i will have to be properly assertive about what he did and not how i felt.
the other thing that came up was the amount of effort i am putting into keeping my parents in their home. over the past few days, it seems as if i am expected to do more and more for them. i am starting to feel a bit “put out” and considering finding a “super-spreader” event to get COVID, so i would have two weeks off. when i start to go there, as i have more than a few times in the past weeks, i have to fall back on the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me the strength to do what needs to be done, for them as well as for me. i have yet to hear the answer, so in the mean time, i will do my best to keep my sh!t out of their home and be the best person i can be, just for today.
this morning, as i sat, a few hours ago, what kept popping up to the top, was a text conversation i had from a man who once called me his sponsor. i kept going back to the line where he stated he was “sorry for making me feel blown off.” in reality, he certainly did blow me off, as we had an appointment for a phone call and he chose to take another call, at the appointed time. i could do a deep dive and attach motives to his words, but the sense i get, is that he has yet to come to see the reality of his actions. what i told him, on that fateful evening was i felt disrespected because he blew me off. i certainly do remember doing less than stellar things, even in recovery and then blaming my “victim” for having feelings about my actions. i may have forgiven his actions but i certainly have not forgotten them and if he decides he wants what i have, then i will have to be properly assertive about what he did and not how i felt.
the other thing that came up was the amount of effort i am putting into keeping my parents in their home. over the past few days, it seems as if i am expected to do more and more for them. i am starting to feel a bit “put out” and considering finding a “super-spreader” event to get COVID, so i would have two weeks off. when i start to go there, as i have more than a few times in the past weeks, i have to fall back on the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me the strength to do what needs to be done, for them as well as for me. i have yet to hear the answer, so in the mean time, i will do my best to keep my sh!t out of their home and be the best person i can be, just for today.
∞ DT ∞