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and taking suggestions was never a strong point for me, in my previous existence as an addict in active addiction. nor was it something i had any desire to do, once i got clean. when i finally got through my wall of denial and started my actual recovery, however, i finally came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, i might actually have to ask for help and do what was suggested. it was not as if i was suddenly willing to actually ask for help, but at least the notion was firmly planted in my head and i had enough desire to ask someone to sponsor me and start my journey through the steps, for real. today, i still feel a bit of resistance to this idea of asking for help, but i know that i just need to get over my bad self and do the next correct thing.
looking back to a year ago, i could barely walk, i was dealing with two addicts and my Mom's legacy. one was using and one was merely abstinent. between the two of them i felt like the only adult in the room and i vented here, loudly, quite often. today, as i look back to those emotionally gray and dismal days, i can see that i allowed others to rent far too much space in my head and i chose to “tough it out” instead of asking for help to deal with my feelings: grief, anger, remorse and resentment. i allowed those others to take over my life and as a result made myself dread the very notion of taking care of bidness. the silver lining? i got my Mom's estate settled quickly including the sale of her home and got those two out of my life for the most part. both of them are pissed off at me right now, and i do not care. my life is a whole lot smoother and as time goes by, i may actually be able to bring them back into my life.
anyhow, just for today, i know i do not have all the answers, either for myself or anyone else. i may have some days clean and certainly some experience with spiritual principles, but i am no recovery guru or model of a recovering addict. is that right-sizing? i do not really care, it is my reality and one i will embrace as it step out to the real world to get my work-out done. as i often say, its is a good day to be clean, on this side of the grass and in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞