Blog entry for:

the addict within can rob me of any pride in accomplishment. just so we are straight from the start, this is not going to be a how bad i still am, false humility kind of entry. i have written and shared enough in that world that today it makes me sick to think that i once thought that was how it was supposed to be done.
so on that ever so bright and cheery note, part of this whole false humility gig, is that not owning what i have done and minimizing my feelings of prides goes directly to the whole piece of sh!t opinion i once carried about myself.yes conceit and braggadocio are part of that same attitude, puffery to make myself appear better than i am, so when i am in self-will, instead of true will, all of that becomes true. i have no desire to own the pride i feel in doing something that i have always wanted to do, or i brag about about it and make it seem much more than it really is. this life between extremes is an interesting one to say the least.
once a year, this reading comes along, and i get to ponder what fulfilling my dreams means today. i know that a few years ago, i said i was without dreams, all those left unfulfilled in active addiction had come true, and that is still the case, not the part of not having any dreams, the part about the fulfillment. today i realize that i am loaded with dreams and goals that are part and parcel of the direction for becoming the man i have always wanted to be. that is a HUGE dream, that becoming, once impossible to even glimpse, is now something i strive for in the her and now.
anyhow, part of that dream includes a physical fitness component, and as i slept in this morning, the time to move into my workout is way upon me. the irony here is that this has been a part of my life for what feels like forever. i ran when i was using, i ran in early recovery and i run now. the difference between then and now is that today i am running for a different reason. i ran in active addiction as proof that i was not an addict, after all, in my head addicts did not actually choose to do any physical exercise. this physical activity was sporadic and i only seemed to desire it when the reality of what i was started to close in and threatened to be revealed in full force. running in early recovery was all about trying to look good, even though i was still smoking a pack a day. see i can work out and still smoke with impunity! running today? well i can put all sorts of twists, turns and spin on it, it started because i did not wish to become like someone i once respected. i did not want my choices to create a situation where i could not enjoy life do my health issues. i started running for my future and i do it today to keep that vision in place. a vision of having a healthy and full life for as long as possible. this may have come from self-will run riot, or it may have come from a desire to show myself how much i can love and respect me. i know it is part of the amends i am making to myself as a result of my last NINTH STEP. i also know, that now i have some goals in respect to this activity, that i can work towards. so with that dream in mind, i will let you all go about your busy day with this final thought:
MY DREAMS ARE WHAT I MAKE OF THEM, TODAY!

∞ DT ∞