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for someone, such as myself, who lived a life based on a lie and centered in fantasy and dreams of being someone else, the reality of my life today, i practically beyond my comprehension. i have traveled all over the world, i have a house, a career, a job, and i am part of a loving partnership. none of which i ever thought would become anywhere close to reality. in fact the biggest obstacle, after my uncontrolled drug use, to having any sort of fulfilling life, was me. i got in my way, time and again, because i did not believe i was worth succeeding, even if i had the confidence that i could do so. even as that stuff was becoming a reality, i still had the notion in the back of my head, that if i was grateful or if i noticed, it would all be stripped away as some sort of cosmic joke, not unlike the story of Job.
as i quietly sat this morning, what kept popping off the stack, as it were, was the notion of being in quarantine when no one else from our trip was actually doing so. i know that is the next right thing to do, but boy does it pain me to stay home, stay in, day after day, when the rest of the world is out and about doing stuff. i “get” that not spreading my particular brand of COVID is certainly a good idea. i also “get” that staying home will not last forever. it still pains me to do so, and just as happened during our trip, i have decided, against all that i DESIRE, to do the next right thing and take another test before i head out for a massage this afternoon, even though i had no intention of doing so. i flat-out lied to my spouse last night and dang it all, spiritual principles, once again, take over and nix that idea before it came to fruition.
what am i feeling right now, after telling a dirty little secret? well a bit relieved and a bit less “put upon.” the world may be treating COVID as a minor inconvenience these days, and perhaps the rest of the world is right. for me though, a bit of due diligence and concern for my fellow humans, is not a bad place to be in. i know that had i been still been using, i certainly would not give a flying fVck about anyone else, and i too would be out and about, spreading the joy of COVID, to everyone that happened to pass my way. perhaps becoming human again, is one of those dreams i am fulfilling, just for today.

∞ DT ∞