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in my accomplishments, is a concept that seems frowned upon about in the rooms of recovery. at times it almost seems that for me to **look** humble i need to minimize the effort i put into being where i am and attribute everything i have to the POWER that fuels my recovery. coming from an addict who lived trying to impress one and all by being in a constant state of braggadocio, the fact that i have to walk this line between what is my doing and what is not, leads to all sorts of interesting conflicts. life in the rooms of recovery, at least for me, is all about deciding what is mine to take responsibility for and what is not. pretending that i am humble by attributing all that has happened in life to get me to where i am today to a HIGHER POWER is no more humble than taking credit for it myself. the notion that i have a part in everything that goes on in my life, may seem disturbing to some of my peers, but for me, it “feels” right.
one of the three disturbing realizations states that: “i am not responsible for my addiction, but i am responsible for my recovery.” as i stay clean and as i have integrated my life into a recovery program, more and more that statement means, at least to this addict, that not only do i need to take responsibility for my recovery, i need to own my life. i hate to say it, but it was not GOD who stayed up late, slaving over assignments and papers when i was in Engineering school. it is not GOD who is faithfully executing the task of walking at least 11,000 steps per day. it is not GOD that develops and maintains web applications, all of that succeeds or fails based on my effort. as i sit here in my “feeling” assignment of STEP TWO, i am seeing that the harder i try and conform and fit into the belief systems of my peers, the more of these little cognitive dissonances pop-up. the insanity is that i am content to arrive where i did after that last step cycle but i am afraid of all the implications that spiritual path has for how i live my life. more and more “responsibility” for my life falls on to my shoulders and blaming fate, karma or an indifferent vision of a HIGHER POWER for what goes wrong, is totally freaking insane. the insanity here is i am still trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. even though it can be done, the fit is far from comfortable or secure. letting go of what i once believed was the path for me, and embracing whatever it is today, generates my greatest FEAR and throws me into a state of anxious “what-iffing.”
today, well today, i think i will let go and see where the balance between what is mine and what happens to be everyone else's actually lies. it is a good day to be part of something greater and that whole sustains and nourishes me. what will things look like tonight? for this minute i can let go and assume that no matter what, they will be what they are supposed to be.

∞ DT ∞