Some memes

willingness with humility, more simply put, do NOT over-commit myself. a bit of history is probably needed here, for the uninitiated. when i finally came to recovery, i became one of those who had a service commitment on just about every level of the service structure. in fact, service to the fellowship became my identity and it was not out of any sort of “pure” motives or gratitude. it was simply to make myself look “better” in the eyes of my peers. when i look back at those days now, i also see it was the ways and means to keep from forming any long term intimate relationships, as i just “did not have the time.” not one speck of humility, although much of what i did, is still echoes down to the fellowship years later. as complimentary as that may be, i am apt to be grateful that any damage that i may have done in my less than humble service, was short term and does not still affect the fellowship today. i have learned through trial and =error what works and what does not work in terms of when and where i serve my peers today.
not all that long ago, one might have found me in two of the local county jails, carrying our message of hope to those who are residents in those institutions, in fact i have been cleared to be in both of those facilities. when it came time to commit to going to the latest one, i decided that i already had enough on my plate, service-wise, and volunteered to be a back-up, as needed. although i had tons of reasons why i was resistant to serve, all of them having to do with my personality and my opinions, what it really came down to, was whether or not i could maintain my commitments in service, as well as care for myself. it was nice that i had other rationalizations and justifications to fall back on, but in the end, it comes down to balance in my life and how i need to carve out time for just me, myself and i. it may have taken me more than a minute to see what i thinks others may think of my apparent level of commitment, is not any of my bidness and walk away, healthier and a whole lot happier.
these days i know which side of the bread is buttered and allowing service to subsume my identity is no longer part of who i want to be. these days i get a bit embarrassed when i get complimented on my what i did during my “service junkie” phase. it is painful for me to explain my motives for what i did in those days, and i am learning that i need to temper my guilt, that is often felt as shame, with the notion that i did serve and those who compliment me, got something form me during that service. this is where the humility about what was needs to be expressed and where i am going today.
right here and right now, i am going to serve myself a huge helping of cardio fitness, by touring the local environs for the next hour or so. the results of me serving myself by becoming more physically fit and without measure and certainly contribute to my ongoing decisions to serve my fellowship without overwhelming myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞