๐ฅ i seem to be ๐ฅ
Posted: Mon, Jul 19, 2021 06:36:18 AM
finding that more of my dreams come true, than i actually thought was possible. i have to admit, that i often seem as if i am one of those **glass half empty** guys, always finding fault and never being able to acknowledge the good things i accomplish or happen to me without a huge BUT. i know that i am cynical. i know that i can be a real “Donnie-downer.” i also know i came into recovery with an attitude that nothing is EVER good enough, no matter how much i get, i will always want more. the inertial of what i was and who i am is hard to overcome, even after a minute clean. yet, here i sit, on the verge of a possible job opportunity that would be my dream job and a dream trip to Greece and the Greek Isles, thinking about having the DESIRE to whine about how awful my life is and has been.
my actual reality is that i have both of those opportunities in my life. i have a job that may persist through at least October. as a result of my job going away, i am becoming versed in newer technologies and have the DESIRE to learn even more. i own a house, i have built a life with a loving spouse, i am someone that can make friends and actually can be trusted to do the next right thing. all of the above was never on my radar when i came to recovery, as my single dream, once upon a time, was to get out of the justice system and be freed from the chains that bound me.
all of that yippy-skippy stuff is true and i needed to put it out into cyberspace, but what really came up this morning was my FEAR of the other shoe dropping. another vacation postponed due to COVID, a job opportunity that goes away because i am not good enough. my boss telling me at 11:00 AM today that we are folding up the tents and going home. the litany of my FEAR around my life right now, could go on and on. as each of those bubbles of FEAR came to the surface, i had to let them go and see that i really am powerless over them. i had to acknowledge my FEAR and move into a bit of what may be delusional HOPE, that the worst possible outcomes, are not necessarily going to spring into reality, because i expressed them.
where does all of this leave me? well before i run this morning i need to take care of some business for a friend. before my 11 AM meeting i need to call the cruise line and see what they offer post-trip. before i eat today, i need to take care of my lawn. and before i go to bed tonight, i need to find a minute to be grateful that i got through this day clean, as that was a dream i once had, that i GET to fulfill, on a daily basis, JUST FOR TODAY.
my actual reality is that i have both of those opportunities in my life. i have a job that may persist through at least October. as a result of my job going away, i am becoming versed in newer technologies and have the DESIRE to learn even more. i own a house, i have built a life with a loving spouse, i am someone that can make friends and actually can be trusted to do the next right thing. all of the above was never on my radar when i came to recovery, as my single dream, once upon a time, was to get out of the justice system and be freed from the chains that bound me.
all of that yippy-skippy stuff is true and i needed to put it out into cyberspace, but what really came up this morning was my FEAR of the other shoe dropping. another vacation postponed due to COVID, a job opportunity that goes away because i am not good enough. my boss telling me at 11:00 AM today that we are folding up the tents and going home. the litany of my FEAR around my life right now, could go on and on. as each of those bubbles of FEAR came to the surface, i had to let them go and see that i really am powerless over them. i had to acknowledge my FEAR and move into a bit of what may be delusional HOPE, that the worst possible outcomes, are not necessarily going to spring into reality, because i expressed them.
where does all of this leave me? well before i run this morning i need to take care of some business for a friend. before my 11 AM meeting i need to call the cruise line and see what they offer post-trip. before i eat today, i need to take care of my lawn. and before i go to bed tonight, i need to find a minute to be grateful that i got through this day clean, as that was a dream i once had, that i GET to fulfill, on a daily basis, JUST FOR TODAY.
∞ DT ∞