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that fits comfortably in the life of this addict in recovery, took a very long time to be revealed to me. my whole sad story is due to my belief that i was broken and needed to hide my true self in some sort of persona, i took on the role of a service junkie and lived in that role for quiet some time in my recovery. it was not until i started to let go of my most visible service commitments that i became willing to start the process to explode the belief that i was somehow too broken to be a real and fully participating member of the human race. although it was another decade before i finally let go of being what i was not, i served my peers and our fellowship in a manner that was finally balanced with my life and allowed me the FREEDOM to look beyond the walls of my denial.
today on my first day post-up, the places they stitched-up are aching a bit. the part of me i call addiction says asks for stronger pain meds, but the realist part of who i am, has severe doubts that is the answer. it is the very fact that i had a chunk of skin removed and have a dressing sewed on my head over the chunk of skin they scraped from my thigh, is WHY i hurt. it is the stitches across the muscles in my neck where they removed lymph node that are being pulled when i move my head that hurt as well. narcotics might make me forget the pain, but as i said earlier, i doubt they will do any better job than the pain meds i am currently using. i think the only way out of this pain trap, is time and tolerance.
all i have to do now is wait and wait and wait to find out the next steps. it is hard to keep telling everyone who cares for me, that i am doing okay, other than wanting to see what the doctors found when they opened my little black box of horrors. the fact of the matter is that i am not okay waiting and i am glad Prime days are over, because, today, i would buy that new desktop computer that i did not buy on Tuesday or Wednesday. you know, something bright and shiny and definitely a distraction for several hours to get everything set up and ready to roll. today, i may end up going through my Amazon options, BUT, and yes it is a big one, i am not willing to trade my feelings in for a moment of instant gratification as i click that “Buy Now” button. nope, today i will allow myself to believe i am a human being and like the rest of the human race, i feel anxious and fearful when confronted by the yet to be revealed, just for today.

∞ DT ∞