Blog entry for:

to make my dreams come true. dreams, dreaming and fulfilling my dreams, certainly a topic that could rainbows and unicorns, for someone such as myself. the fact is, when all is said and done, when i came to recovery, i had given up any hope of being anything but free from the justice system. all i wanted was my ability to go where i pleased, when i pleased, without having to ask for anyone's permission. to say that the bar to fulfill that dream was set pretty low, however, would be quite a disservice to my peers who find that freeing themselves from the clutches of the justice system, is more difficult than they ever imagined, but for me, it started with a commitment to stay clean, just until i reached half-time and could have a motion presented top the judge to set me free. where i choose to do my service, i see a grim reminder of the fact that IF i chad chosen a different path, way back when, the revolving door of the justice system, could have trapped me as well and my little three year piece could have turned into something much longer and much more severe.
recovery also gave me the desire to be something more than i was when i first got clean. i could go through all my accomplishments and all the gifts i have received, but to what end, in the long run, i GET to look to the future these days and set goals that help me to live my dreams, as i am no longer a slave to addiction. i get now why some of my peers, speak of addictions rather than the singular form. i remember that when i thought of addiction as a collection of addictions, some good, some bad and some, well some just neutral, i could choose to act on the ones that were bad and come back with a whole line about i all the recovery activities i did, after i had done the deed. it came down to the “sure i killed that a$$hole, but at least i did not use,” argument. as long as i kept everything in separate containers and looked as addiction as some sort of alien being or devil that possessed me from time to time, i could choose to act with impunity and rationalize away the harm i did to others and more importantly myself. my dreams might have been fulfilled when i lived in that mode, but at what cost to myself, as i always sought the easier softer way, or the shortcut to success.
today? well just for today, my dreams have a different shape, today i want to become something more than i was yesterday, yes it is always something anything , more. i want to feel and not have to change the way i feel, just because i do not understand it, or because i am afraid of what others may think, if i show and emotion or two. today, i want to be able to ask for help, admit when i am wrong and give and receive the love and respect of those with whom i share my life. i no longer need to hide in the shadows, or have the spotlight shining down brightly one me. most importantly i dream of a day, when i can walk through a day, without wondering what they are thinking about me and how i need to improve my image in their eyes, and they i am talking about, is everyone but me. on that note, i do believe i will wrap this up and head on down to the office, for another day of learning JMeter and seeing what i can do to be part of a solution.

∞ DT ∞