Blog entry for:

but how many dreams did i of fulfill while using? not many, in fact one may say, that i sold my dreams for the next dose, over and over and over again. it was only once i stopped using and actually started on the road to recovery that my dreams even had a chance to come to fruition. i have written in the past, that as i stay clean and i realize my dreams, that there seems to be no dreams to replace them, other than violent using dreams, when i am asleep. well today, i may not be able to enumerate my dreams, but i certainly have the feeling that i am living them out and now ones are being generated as i do.
so if you expected sunshine and daisies there you have it. i am not quite certain where i will be going from here, some stuff i want to share, or thought i wanted to share, but i dumped them in my home group, so no salacious ramblings in that vein, today.
so in the aspect of living my dreams? well, for one, i never thought i would have a career path that is taking places i never dreamed i would go. i thought that i would be trapped forever, doing stuff i did not want to do, or was way below my potential. potential, quite the tricky term, what exactly does that mean? well in business, the Peter Principle, speaks to rising to my highest level of incompetency. i certainly am there and a whole lot further. the POWER that fuels my recovery has seen fit to give me the opportunity to be more than i ever was. i got to go to school and get a degree after 20 years of using and abusing myself. that degree has propelled me into a world where my problem solving abilities are exercised by bits and bytes meets instant gratification.
i never thought i would be capable of finding and having a relationship worth doing the work to maintain, and yet, here i am after ten years still in love with the woman i share my life with.
i never thought i could own a home, and i am on my second, and have one third of the mortgage almost paid down.
most importantly of all, i am now becoming the sort of person i once envied, self-assured, confident in who they are, and capable of being a part of society, without demanding rewards, strokes and fawning admiration. true, i still from time to time, desire a good boy, but it is no longer THE driving force in my life.
i get to enjoy a cigar and a cuppa joe through my own efforts at self-support, which is truly a one-eighty turn from the entitled self-obsessed a$$hole i once was, and if i want more, and i do, i know what i NEED to do. just more of the same stuff that brought me here, to right here and right now. which if i waant to get done with what is on my plate and be present this afternoon, i better get moving on to. it is aa good day to be playing with thee house's as one of my friends and peers is fond of saying, so off to the trenches i go!

∞ DT ∞