ยข i remember that all things begin with a dream ยข
Posted: Thu, Jul 19, 2012 07:24:11 AM
as i walk through my day, i will allow myself to make my dreams come true. my last bus trip southbound to Denver, is certainly a good event to celebrate with a brain dump about my dreams coming true. the amazing thing is that 12 months ago, i did not even know that my dreams would involve the corprotae world and the security of finding a full-time gig. after 11 months on contract, it is a comfort to be moving on to one, that may actually lead to a full-time, permanent position. thoughts that make me stop on go HMMMMMMMM, seem to come from dreams i did not realize i had.
i could go on and on about the lack of dreams i had when i got clean, or the fact that i willingly abandoned my dreams for the promise of a moment of oblivion, that my full-time gig of using and finding the ways and means to use, promised me on a daily basis. does that mean i was happy to trade using for dreams, goals and becoming a productive member of society? not at first, in fact my goal and yes my dream, when i first came to recovery was to do this recovery thing, just long enough to solve my legal problems. ironic, that last night as i shared my ESH, that i felt gradititude at being able to walk into the Boulder County Sherrif's bed and breakfast, and walk out again, as a respected member of a society i once spurned and did my best to get the most out of, without putting anything in.
this morning, me feelings are all over the map. i am certain taht there is far more going on inside than i am willing to admit, or can even inventory this morning, but i am right where i need to be. the longer i stay clean and the more i uncover about who i am today, the more often this kind of stuff happens, just not knowing and in fact being comfortable not knowing what it is that i am feeling. yeah, i know that sounds like false humility, but it is not. i ahve come to accept that there are more than a few mysteries within me, that i have left to solve. as my step work has recently revealed, the terra incognito of who i am and who i am becoming, has a whole lot blank space left to be filled in. at least the “Here Be Dragons” caption can be removed for now.
so i could prattle on about very little, but i think i will sign-off and allow myself to relax and see what is happening in the world outside of my cranium, as i complete my pentultimate southbound bus journey.
i could go on and on about the lack of dreams i had when i got clean, or the fact that i willingly abandoned my dreams for the promise of a moment of oblivion, that my full-time gig of using and finding the ways and means to use, promised me on a daily basis. does that mean i was happy to trade using for dreams, goals and becoming a productive member of society? not at first, in fact my goal and yes my dream, when i first came to recovery was to do this recovery thing, just long enough to solve my legal problems. ironic, that last night as i shared my ESH, that i felt gradititude at being able to walk into the Boulder County Sherrif's bed and breakfast, and walk out again, as a respected member of a society i once spurned and did my best to get the most out of, without putting anything in.
this morning, me feelings are all over the map. i am certain taht there is far more going on inside than i am willing to admit, or can even inventory this morning, but i am right where i need to be. the longer i stay clean and the more i uncover about who i am today, the more often this kind of stuff happens, just not knowing and in fact being comfortable not knowing what it is that i am feeling. yeah, i know that sounds like false humility, but it is not. i ahve come to accept that there are more than a few mysteries within me, that i have left to solve. as my step work has recently revealed, the terra incognito of who i am and who i am becoming, has a whole lot blank space left to be filled in. at least the “Here Be Dragons” caption can be removed for now.
so i could prattle on about very little, but i think i will sign-off and allow myself to relax and see what is happening in the world outside of my cranium, as i complete my pentultimate southbound bus journey.
∞ DT ∞