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when i used, i may not have dreamed of the day when i would be clean, as that was beyond the realm of possibilities, for an addict like me. okay i know i have done inventories of my dreams that have been fulfilled since i came to recovery. i probably have talked about my current dreams or lack thereof, so i will not go either. where i am off to this morning is the whole dream of being clean thing and the life that has resulted as a consequence of living a program of recovery, one of those dreams that is being fulfilled today is the ability to stand up for myself and ask for what is needed. one of my clients has balked at paying me what i am owed. he has tried whining, calling me, and now is playing tough guy. in the past, all of this was acceptable, because he was paying me on a weekly basis. well, his business is in the dumper and he is now struggling, and as a result the work i have received from him has been sporadic at best. although that is the fact, he stills sees our relationship as the same as it ever was, he calls i jump, dropping whatever happens to be on my plate to deal with his issues. well all of that is over, and i have sent a new agreement off for him to peruse and from there the negotiations will commence. the amazing part is that even though i am anxious about doing so, and i know i will be hearing from him today, however i am worth more than being run over by a locomotive of personality. it is amazing that though has even occurred to me. i have always looked strong and assertive, but when push came to shove, it was always me that ended up giving. i could not stand the heat, so it was mew that got out of the kitchen.as i think about this, it has always been a dream of mine to stand up for myself, properly assertive, instead of caving and mumbling under my breath, “i should have said…”
that dream has been coming true for some time now, as there has been more than once in the past twenty months or so that i have done just that. that also include standing up to my sponsor and stating where i thought he was in error. in fact, that tectonic shift, seems to be affecting almost all of my relationships these days and it explains a lot my feelings and behaviors that i have been at a loss explaining, the removal of a character defect in in full force and my confusion stems from the fact i have been oblivious to it, i have just been reacting to something i did not understand. since i lacked understanding, i fell back on the old default feeling -- anger, which was the only feeling i could properly identify when i first got clean.
anyhow, the dream of becoming a self-realized and self-confident person, in all my affairs is coming true, even if i did not realize that was a dream of mine. on that bright note, i do believe i will get out and get running, before this morning gets too much hotter. it is an excellent day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞