ΓΈ in my active addiction, the world looked like a horrible place ΓΈ
Posted: Tue, Oct 11, 2011 07:38:25 AM
using helped me tolerate the world i thought i saw and understood.
well it has certainly been one heckuva morning so far. nothing has worked the way i wanted and eve3rything took longer than planned. back in my using days, i would have been well on my way to getting high to deal with my frustration level, cursing at the world and grinding me teeth as one obstacle or another popped up. of course, none of that would have made anything better, and yes although i might have felt better in the short run, none of those automagic behaviors would have done anything to make my day any better, except in my own head.
as i sit here and rest my day, i can see that although things are not going as i planned, nothing is a disaster, everything is getting done and i am getting towards heading into the shower and out to the office. as it is, i need this moment to stop, and give myself a chance to relax a bit before bounding back out into the real world. you know, it's like, i have a chance today to do something different. although i got frustrated, and although i wanted to scream as the obstacles to my day, continued to pop up, i know that i am missing something very important here, and that i NEED to get off of cruise control and look to see what is happening.
i am so grateful that i have the steps and an active program of recovery today. i am also grateful that i am finally learning to let go of some stuff that is bugging me, i cannot control much of anything and if i want a better world, i have to allow myself to be a better man, through the recovery process. not richer, not younger, not better looking, just better. railing at the injustice of the world around me, manipulating situations to get my desired outcome and flying through today, oblivious to what is happening around me, will not clean off the spectacles of my perception. some people are just sick, spoiled, selfish or fearful. to judge the actions of another, takes me away from the path that leads me to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. after all, i have been all of those and much, much more. i understand today, that my world may be cold, heartless and selfish, OR it may be wonderful, giving and full of joy. a bit of an attitude adjustment through a moment of connection with the divine and the spiritual is the recipe for me, to change how i am seeing things and to allow me to less sick, selfish and fearful. right here and right now, i can walk in FAITH, that if i do what the next right thing is, i will get exactly what i need, today and everyday.
so yes, i have used a thousand or so clichés, written around the issue, but in the end, i have let go of my frustration, accepted that i will get to work, when i get to work and have everything done, i waanted to accomplish before i hop in my car and head down south. it is a great day to see the world differently and i think i will work on keeping my spectacles as clean as i can.
well it has certainly been one heckuva morning so far. nothing has worked the way i wanted and eve3rything took longer than planned. back in my using days, i would have been well on my way to getting high to deal with my frustration level, cursing at the world and grinding me teeth as one obstacle or another popped up. of course, none of that would have made anything better, and yes although i might have felt better in the short run, none of those automagic behaviors would have done anything to make my day any better, except in my own head.
as i sit here and rest my day, i can see that although things are not going as i planned, nothing is a disaster, everything is getting done and i am getting towards heading into the shower and out to the office. as it is, i need this moment to stop, and give myself a chance to relax a bit before bounding back out into the real world. you know, it's like, i have a chance today to do something different. although i got frustrated, and although i wanted to scream as the obstacles to my day, continued to pop up, i know that i am missing something very important here, and that i NEED to get off of cruise control and look to see what is happening.
i am so grateful that i have the steps and an active program of recovery today. i am also grateful that i am finally learning to let go of some stuff that is bugging me, i cannot control much of anything and if i want a better world, i have to allow myself to be a better man, through the recovery process. not richer, not younger, not better looking, just better. railing at the injustice of the world around me, manipulating situations to get my desired outcome and flying through today, oblivious to what is happening around me, will not clean off the spectacles of my perception. some people are just sick, spoiled, selfish or fearful. to judge the actions of another, takes me away from the path that leads me to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. after all, i have been all of those and much, much more. i understand today, that my world may be cold, heartless and selfish, OR it may be wonderful, giving and full of joy. a bit of an attitude adjustment through a moment of connection with the divine and the spiritual is the recipe for me, to change how i am seeing things and to allow me to less sick, selfish and fearful. right here and right now, i can walk in FAITH, that if i do what the next right thing is, i will get exactly what i need, today and everyday.
so yes, i have used a thousand or so clichés, written around the issue, but in the end, i have let go of my frustration, accepted that i will get to work, when i get to work and have everything done, i waanted to accomplish before i hop in my car and head down south. it is a great day to see the world differently and i think i will work on keeping my spectacles as clean as i can.
∞ DT ∞