Blog entry for:

attitudes. once again, i arrive at the place in my annual cycle, where i get to comment on spiritual eye wear and how i see the world. what it seems to saying, that active recovery and the steps, clarifies my vision of the world into a “yippee skippy” version, and all is rainbows, unicorns and daises!
IF, and that is a really big if, that was the case, i would be flying at the speed of light, to the nearest dispensary of legal mind altering substances and doing what comes naturally to me, namely getting high. although could certainly interpret what the reading was saying, to be that nonsensical, what i heard this morning, is that an active program of recovery, allows me to see the world as it is, in all its glory as well as its not so glorious details. the lenses of my recovery allow me to see, that the world does not spin according my wishes, has bits and pieces i find unattractive and still learn to accept or barring that at least tolerate, those parts i find less than savory or likable.
life in recovery is not for the faint of heart, by any means. once i saw that the parts of the world i believed i had power and control over, did not exist except in my demented fantasies, i was crestfallen and close to being depressed. when i realized how much effort i wasted over the years trying to control what ended-up being uncontrollable the whole time, i knew i was fVcked. the ONLY thing that kept me coming back, was the HOPE that once i got through that, i would be given something more to replace all those pipe dreams. the only way i found to do that, was through a program of ACTIVE recovery, my unflinching dedication to being a member of the No Matter What club and my progress through the steps.
so like a good addict, always looking for a loophole, i found one, by registering for convention one week past the deadline, because they did not shut off the registration, yes i will pay full price if asked, but just for right now, it feels weird to be reveling in the fact that i got one over on someone. yes, i am not a spiritual giant and certainly not cured. i am just a garden variety addict looking for the easier softer way, when i can.
PS:
well, i decided to do a bit more writing while i had a free moment. i spoke about getting away with something and although i may have, it is not what i am really about these days. i also wrote about seeing reality for what it is. i am more than a bit of a cynic. those clear and precise lenses that recovery has given me, are tinged by a bit of that cynicism. sure it would be nice to say, that i am free from that and have become some sort of spiritual giant, with beams of light coming out of my a$$. i cannot pretend to be anything i am not, as those crystal clear lenses give me a far from distorted view of myself as well.
today i have a choice though. i can tread down those dark paths, that being a cynic offers, or i can take that same cynicism with a grain of salt and liberally mix it into the world i see around me. the resulting mixture, while far from optimistic, does provide a bit of HOPE. when i look at the political news, i see the social bigots, who assume everyone wants what they do, becoming more and more shrill, as they move further and further away from the mainstream. i can see the deniers and the haters, getting destroyed as the facts are presented and i see the power blocs of the political establishment getting decimated by these same social forces that are reshaping the culture of my society. i also see the HOPE of other addicts, that they too, can find a different way of seeing the world and develop the tools they need to stay clean and live in a manner that is totally alien to them, just as it was to me, once upon a time. i can also see that this materialist, as much as he wants to deny it, is part of the consumer culture and has the attitude of most toys and vacations rolling around in his head. what was once a fantasy, is now a reality. no longer do i lack the resources to live the image of the “American Dream” that i was born to believe in and is pumped down my throat by the culture in which i live. today, i can choose to embrace that dream, and keep expanding my insatiable thirst for more things, or <GASP> ask to have that drive altered into something constructive and healthy.
anyhow, time to run and get some other work done. Go Broncos and yay football!

∞ DT ∞